trust. hope. faith. love.

goodbye love-

2009-06-26T18:49:00.003+08:00

once upon a shooting star.

the people are those who make birthdays special.
thank you to every one of you who played a part in colouring up my day. ♥ (:

dawningstars.lj

future tense

2009-06-07T17:07:00.007+08:00

i think if i ever have a choice, you're the reason why i'll choose to come back.

i wish someone'll sing me a goodnight song; any one, any song.

i believe i'll miss pooh. can i bring him along?

i hope there'll be stars over there, mm.

i, have been typing and deleting and typing and deleting yet nothing seems to come out right nothing seems to make sense. this post is getting nowhere i should stop.
ps. i'm stronger than what you think before i leave i hope you will tell me whatever you've been hiding from my sight please just kill me with one shot don't let me figure out the cruel lies myself. leave this heart to heal on its own, if it ever does.

it's true. strength comes from within strength comes from within strength comes from within strength comes from within. c'mon heart open up and let it sink in, straight in.

it's fear knocking on my windowpane.

2009-06-03T20:48:00.008+08:00

the number's so big we can't fit a table. so we part and go our separate ways.
because when i sat on a higher level looking down at the place where we've all fought and cried the sight's no longer what i wna see my heart couldn't help but to cringe at the fact that probably nothing nothing would be the same anymore. it's so hard to lift the load when everyone's going in totally different directions how to you tell me tired of trying to see beyond superficial layers and making wild guesses of what people are thinking about then trying to come up with explanations just for you and you and you.
an invisible force pulled me out of the haunting shelter i found myself walking towards my fairyland i would have cried if i could but it hurt so bad the tears didn't come. what if i can never be able to do you proud i'd be so disappointed i'd throw myself away. nap was worse every time i close my eyes i hear this voice screaming at me i couldn't make out the words it just kept screaming, kept screaming..

help yourself up first help yourself up first i know but i don't know how; how to stop repeating mistakes how to block out the uselessness that always fills me up right to the brim.
directions directions where are you there's no time left please it's gna be my last.

dmh, find your way back to square one and realize what you’re truly fighting for.

baseball game, strike-outs.

2009-06-01T20:20:00.002+08:00

我告诉自己不准哭泪水撑得很辛苦

secthree and missing layups, what the hell is your problem.

it's not even about whose fault it is to start off with.
she really wanted to help really wanted to play her part and fulfill her responsibilities but she's so weak she does nothing right probably even spoils things from how they used to be. she never knew she was someone with such bad character in your eyes she's aware she killing all the trust and the confidence bit by bit. what happens when no results are shown does it mean she's not putting in enough or does it simply mean it's time to give her the red card cause she's not even fit to be in the game. afterall she's so lousy she can't play neither can she assist others in winning so what's the point tell me what's the whole point.

if this is how you think of me, then why don't we just let it be.

trap the memories in the lens.

2009-06-01T07:13:00.012+08:00

happy birthday joyjoy.
i love you i love you i love you i love you. there, four for you all coming from deep inside. <3

i feel like uploading photos. :D

~~clique~~ gang stayover at khoon's!
dinner @ ikea saw wen on the way, the anderson peeps have a problem with her roar don't be mean she's my teammate and she's very cute okay! boys over flowers at khoon's house i didn't like it cause meteor garden was so much better. when 4 pigs come together we do what we're best at (talk eat sleep) but khoon couldn't last long (so lousy!) so we ended up sleeping at 3. chris's stupid cause she was trying very hard to keep us awake yet she zonked out in the morning hahaha.
breakfast @ kovan macs, hotcakes still make me very sick. D: khoon's house gives a very homely feeling, i like. (:

chris, if you're reading this, here's for you!
i believe in second chances and i think you did the right thing though it seems suicidal at least you've done all you could now it's up to him to realise and her to change - i'd have done it the same way too. it isn't wrong to believe in people and meng hopes you won't lose faith cause angels do exist you just have to wait for yours to come. till then i'll keep your sky shining, good luck girl. (:

because you know it'll be painful yet you know you'll do it all the same.

2.39am. naughty girls who refuse to sleep during sleepovers. :D

there's a particular ass who keeps bugging me to blog about fencing and she says she'll hyperventilate whenever she sees xiao jiao lian cause he's cute. D: the coaches think grace and i are crazy cause everytime we fight we just charge at each other haha. fencing reminds me a lot about jiaobu and it feels like being caned whenever you get hit by the sabre but it's still fun!

group photos. :D
ohyes on a side note, new friend i still haven't seen the fanclub! D:

fighting partners. :D

yah go on, laugh. the fencing suit really looks like diapers. D:

fight fight fight!

holidays are here my schedule's packed like crazy i've a feeling strong enough to convince myself that i'll be getting even less rest this month as compared to usual school days. D: maybe i should be grateful cause at least there's still obs five days away from civilisation away from people away from work.
june's gna be filled with street sales if it's last year i'd have pictured myself complaining on and on yet now i feel willing to commit cause there're people out there waiting for help. a few hours of sleep's nothing, yay yfc here i come!

'every bit of love put in will be doubly returned.' (:

youth for causes group. :D

csm ot [click to enlarge]. :D

roar this post is so loooong, blogger should invent a 'blogger cut'.
training training training, then hwachong for briefing. c'mon it's just a while, you can do it.

our fantasy.

2009-05-31T15:39:00.001+08:00

because they are the ones who make life more than beautiful. (:

jas. zhan. meng. chris. khoon. ♥

one-way lane, no regrets.

2009-05-25T23:31:00.007+08:00

i received a one month in advance birthday message this morning that i couldn't help laughing at. :D

new friend is insane talking to her feels like riding on a roller coaster you never know when the next shock is gna come i swear my heart almost stopped beating when i heard about what she did. D: hahaha but she makes me happy plus hyper most of the time and now she owes me icecream so she's forgiven, yay.

talking to the juniors makes me feel like i'm walking through sectwo all over again.
last year i remember attending the leadership course taking away things i've never learnt before last year i remember writing a letter to myself when my heart was filled with sadness and soaked in tears last year i remember completely breaking down in front of everyone else in the very same room last year i remember hugging glenda at the end of the five days as we cried for a common reason a common wish.
those days were more than painful the heartbreaks and the backfires relentlessly hit again and again now looking back i don't know how i managed to survive them all, yet these were the days that taught us to stand strong as one. a year passed i'm back at the same spot once again now as senior looking at the younger ones i wonder how it will be like for them - will they make the choice to walk through the same rocky route as i did or probably recognize a new destination for themselves.
glenda if you're reading this i hope you're missing those days as much as i do cause i know as we continue to learn and grow this is gna make one of the best chapters in my memory. (:

i gave B away today. ):
but i'm sure you'll take good care of it for me so don't make me sad okay! B's filled up right to the brim with my love and now it'll always be around you so i really hope you'll be brave together with B to fight off all the sadness coming your way. believe in fairytales believe in love cause miracles do happen once in a while and that's enough to keep us going. (:

i miss mrTurtle, how are you?

one month.

look beyond the grey grey sky.

2009-05-24T07:46:00.005+08:00

you said you wanted to hear about my day so here i am. (:

went for chemcar early in the morning damn i was so tired it took a whole lot of mental power for me to drag myself out of bed. jolie and i were moaning and groaning about open house we really wanted to be there with team. chemcar didn't turn out all that bad my group made it to top 8 and considering the fact that our car went haywire in the morning i think it was damn good. :D the DJ system was blasting the song Nobody and people started dancing to the chorus haha, even msG wanted to join in! when it's shannon and jolene's final turn we cheered and cheered like madness it's the first time i've ever heard outsiders commenting that nanyang girls are good and high. i feel so proud yay, css power. :D
went back to open house for a lil' while and training sounded fun roar. saw joyjoy playing for band i shouted her name and quoting her, 'that made my section so jealous'. saw ! in the canteen glendatan and peiting were smiling like nobody's business hahaha and they keep laughing at me! ehhh i'm sad lorh. D:
shersher and sophia went for youthforcauses opening ceremony peiting and i felt really guilty cause as we were being insane in the canteen they were probably going through the most boring ceremony in their life sorry sorry. :X

i remember being very very stressed over making the decision of where to appear on the 23rd May there were open house and chem car comps and yfc opening ceremony and slc facs training all going on at the same time. it's when the importance of these events balance out and choices are really tough that we have to decide ourselves on what we really want to achieve with commitment comes great responsibility.
giving up slc was something i never wanted to do but something i had to cause life made me choose. whether or not the final decision came from me or maybe to a certain extent it was forced in doesn't matter anymore what's important is i don't regret what i've chosen. probably not until i hear about how slc turned out to be haha, have fun!

pangsehed bread at church today cause i really felt like locking myself up at home i'm sorry bread but at times just sometimes i want to be alone people are scary you'll never know what the person sitting beside you is thinking about and i'm tired of always having to guess then pray that i'm correct. i promise i'll watch it online. (:

maybe i should go play DDR, it makes me happy (though most of the time sister owns me like crazy). :D

sometimes you have to stand in the dark to see the stars. (:

i deserve less

2009-05-23T22:49:00.003+08:00

i wish i was braver, stronger.

like a tape recorder with the rewind button hit,
i took so long fought so hard to free myself from the grip of the past but last night just last night once again i felt the pain burning in me the previous times i always wonder exactly what is pulling me back into the firepit once twice thrice but now i know it's me the problem lies in me my soul wants to relive those memories i dived right in to search for my love i know it's there i can feel the warm touch.
H says it matters but what matters to me your happiness does it has always been first in line but since the day i started to bring pain i know probably i'm not what you need. now i wish i'd hugged you close tell you how much you scared me with the tape how i brimmed with happiness and pride when i heard champions because i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you - the you who fights so hard against pain to achieve goals, the you who holds so tight onto faith to chase down dreams.

probably you'll never know;
but there's a tiny voice deep down in my heart whispering into my ears that you would, one day we'll make it to eternity because love does miracles. i believe, i promise. (L)

would you lie with me on the mountains to watch the stars?

不在乎天长地久只在于曾经拥有

now i know, clear as water.

2009-05-19T01:34:00.000+08:00

历史不断重演我好累

i need a break from all the work or i'll just go crazy.
if only, if only, if only it is so easy getting a break in life too.

today, after blowing balloons cutting cloth painting cardboard designing costumes for over 4 hours to prepare for csm, i was on my way home at 8plus while messaging G and i can't believe it slipped my mind that csm was on wednesday. i think my brain is degenerating really really, if not there's a hole somewhere in there for sure, a big big hole. someday it might just decide to die on me and when that time hits i don't know what i'll do. i need someone powerful somone strong to knock some sense into my head and stop me from behaving like an idiot or maybe a zombie every single day, please?
tomorrow, 20rounds, more balloons. i hope my lungs survive, the other time was, horrid.

when an apple starts to rot nothing is gna stop it from rotting you can't throw it into the bin there's no way to get to that you can't give it away nobody would want a rotten apple you can't apply healing cream on it hoping it'd heal cause it won't yet even when you know nothing matters anymore you still have to try, and i'm gna try my best to save that apple.

chinese lit.

2009-05-16T16:53:00.001+08:00

夕阳西下断肠人在天涯

the key to the entrance is a mask.

2009-05-14T21:00:00.001+08:00

jolie wrote me very nice song lyrics, i like. (:

now i feel like a loser getting so anxious over assembly duty some time ago, bread totally just pointed at me and laughed right in my face. - -

training yesterday, rui's self-organized schedule was awesome haha. i miss my warmup games. ): puijeng cheated me when we were playing the pulling and pushing game! i asked if she was in my team she said yes and i actually believed her, i'm so disappointed. ): trained with the forwards instead of the guards cause the number of people in the former is really quite sad, yes grace i know you love me. 2 on 1, 5 on 5, wen was very amazed plus amused with my 'unintentional fakes', admit it they're damn cool okay. :D
went to hwachong for dry run, i barely made it alive to the top of the hill. i think this year's race is nicer than last year's (maybe cause this time i'm part of the organizing team HAHA), much more fun much more high. but, raffia strings are still painful. i saw ! running and that made peiting so jealous haha. i'm gna see ! next time so that new friend will be jealous too. :D 10plus home bathed worked slept.

'the people are the ones screwing things up.'
if till now you hadn't thought that something's going very very wrong, think again.

msvdijk flared at us during IH lesson, the fire was like woahhh. D: one look at the paper confirmed my nightmare: my msg's gna explode this time, die.
slcfacs. i don't know why i felt that bit of disappointment. but i convinced myself it's okay, not fated to be. (:

the lies are to protect me the lies are to protect me no matter how many times i repeat this line in my heart i still felt the crack. it hurt, it hurt. please don't lie?

block 1, block 2, block 3, block 4..
a good way to stop thoughts from running all over the place invading minds and heads is to look at surroundings and to memorize details. probably this way, minds will be too occupied making space for these little bits and pieces of information that they'll forget to think about stuff. i hope.

i've never seen him crying, and i don't wna see him crying ever again.

i'm gna cover close to 30km by the end of this week, i like big numbers, they make me excited. :D
just keep running, just keep running, just keep running running running running.

如果你不小心想起我;

the deafening crack; without a soul.

2009-05-13T23:31:00.009+08:00

如果我变成回忆退出了这场生命留下你错愕哭泣我冰冷身体拥抱不了你

i, i don't have a right to ask don't have a right to know. i, i'm sorry i can't protect you anymore sorry there's nothing i can do for you. i, i can't bring strength into your life can't bring comfort or love or smiles. i, i hope you're okay hope you'll be okay hope you know i'm thinking of you - a day ago, an hour ago, now, an hour later, a day later; forever. if one day you decide to tell me your story, if one day, you think i'm worth enough to know the truth, i'm always here for you, i'll always be.

qing ni, jiayou.

):

2009-05-12T21:49:00.002+08:00

cause i'm scared.

sorry i suck, dmh's a lousy lousy friend.

it's not a question i'm seeking for.

2009-05-11T11:46:00.003+08:00

nothing's perfect, we just have to look beyond the imperfections.

people come and go without a sound at times some kind souls might just help to close the door as they leave i know it gets tiring i understand they say time brings comfort to anything everything it removes scars it heals wounds but
why do i feel you with me every night i hear whispers in my ear why am i left with an empty box all filled up to the brim i wanted to find strength from your smile but only then i realize no matter how hard i try it's only a photograph cause cameras capture images at that moment at that instant it's the memories that secures the whole fairytale the setting the people the feelings the love
i don't want promises i don't need vows they leave stains on papers they leave scars on hearts those three words i no longer yearn to hear from you cause now i know you made me learn the hard way it doesn't mean anything if it has never really crossed your heart
separation's hitting once again though this time the target isn't me i feel so much for her it's like seeing myself in a mirror with the same old scene replaying itself ziwei i don't feel like comforting you anymore because words don't work i know i know i've been through it i feel like crying with you cause i know it hurts to see them leave yet there's nothing nothing nothing you can do

give a definition to forever, to eternity.

a missing piece in a puzzle.

2009-05-10T20:55:00.003+08:00

屋里像个空壳夜里辗转反侧思绪正在拉扯心情很忐忑
又开始想你了怀念我们的歌画面每一幕收藏在记忆的铁盒
黑与白的选择去或留怎么取舍所有的回忆像本厚厚的纪念册
没有你在我身旁乱了方向前路也曲折
独自面对身边没人陪
眼泪滴进了咖啡充满药水的苦味
让我受罪独自面对孤单的滋味
筑起墙围向后退跌倒了心力交瘁
假使从来只存在我一个
没有和你穿越底端的沼泽
今天即使我单手拔河也不觉得坎坷
两个人的时候你站在我左右肩并肩靠着头甜蜜的合奏
我想哭的时候你拉着我的手雨季过后的彩虹定能天长地久

cherry blossoms

2009-05-09T00:21:00.001+08:00

beautiful, isn't it? yes dear i smiled, thankyou love. (:

tweety and pooh are good friends.

2009-05-08T22:45:00.004+08:00

love doesn't come with practice.
i should really throw my heart away, it'd save me from so much pain.

i hope you liked that, woah, almost got me killed. :/

excuses, reasons, explanations. aiyah they're the same lah, bestfriend says i'm a lousy liar.

more and more inexplicable thoughts, unexplainable feelings, why like that. i don't know what's wrong with me, never bluff.
i felt like going off at bedok, like, really really.

i miss hearing stories about haircuts.

the accident that almost happened, quite bad, 5cm from kaboom, lucky unlucky? imagine, a car on a highway, in the morning before the sun came up, the driver was an old man, with his eyes closed, crashing straight into your lane, scary, we almost made it to the headlines. oh i realized today's cover page was about mas selamat being caught, mm.

lessons. why were the democrats scared of obama? because he has swine flu HAHA.
GM. 'we just have to play along'.

i told M i was sad today and she gave me the don't-be-lame look, awh. ):

ask you run you don't run, ask you don't run you run, that's what attitude problem is. green face blue face yellow face, yours blackest then win already lorh, fine, you win. it's always the rest of the people who are doing things that upset you, never vice versa, sure. the selfishness coming straight from within, so unsightly.
there's an apple, a perfect apple, but, it was all rotten up inside, nobody could tell. like wow, even fruits know how important it is to hide their bad sides at times. life's about a game of acting, the one who acts the best wins the game.

gross. D:

on a random note, suddenly, i think remainder factor theorem is quite cool, numbers are cool.

honey lemon water makes me happy, i like. (:
counting stars, there were a few in the sky last night, i like too. (:

i don't know what i'm talking about, i bet you don't know too.

probably this is what 60 plus hours without sleep does to people.

let's be normal.

2009-05-07T22:04:00.003+08:00

i need to free myself from your control.

somehow, running's always becoming a chore these days it takes forever for me to convince myself that it'll eventually do some good. i was really tired today morning every part of me was hurting the speed i was going totally made me feel like dying i'm sorry team sorry sorry sorry sorry. roar damn i need to find my motivation back. and it'd better be soon.

school's alright for the time being funny teachers like msvandijk make lessons slightly less unbearable she loves to talk about this particular senior and everytime she does that peiting and i never fail to look at each other then burst out laughing. i think if a particular 'she' was in our class she'd just die of excitement during every ih lesson upon hearing that name, haha. :D
and something that i'm finally admitting after four whole months, 302'09 is so much crazier than 203'08.
oh fenfen and i have the same laptop! i see someone exploding with jealousy already hahaha. :D

'nevermind, you're still my number one.'
i thought this sentence was really sweet, probably losing with a smile is what i need to learn. it made me smile like a retard at the point in time, thankyou. (:
tayziwei was trying to disturb me at the hwachong tracks i was really very sad okay definitely not because of what your retarded brain thought of roar i don’t know why too it just felt like something big missing from my life. but, talking about that topic made me happier in a way you know it always does haha. (:

durian icecream saves the day, super nice. and i drank 500ml of super concentrated ribena, i hope it will keep me alive for as long as i need to.

i remember feeling insane last night with emotions jumping from high to low then back to high again. almost died for the late meeting that lasted till nine, i really thought i was going to collapse from exhaustion. hwachong looks scary at night, so empty so dark, staying in nanyang at that hour gives an entirely different feeling. i don't know.

i talked to ruiqi today, it felt quite nice, thank you lim.

i'm excited. tomorrow. :D

embracing tears

2009-05-05T19:56:00.015+08:00

真不习惯没有你只剩下冷空气想你的呼吸

happy birthday to youuuuuuuuu! 9, plus pink, happy? :D

math blocks made me feel super frustrated and impatient today it's a wonder how the subject used to be able to make me really happy like a kid. the school is being irritating isn't it very pointless to take so many preventive measures when and only when bad things threaten to happen a part of me really felt like making my temperature shoot up sky high just to make them panic roar.
lunch training kind of made things better. (: the hall was so slippery it felt like skating on ice most of the time, i almost tripped over my own legs more than twice. D: the sec ones and twos keep doing dangerous stunts which make them seem like they're falling i felt quite scared for them. singqing had very ~~ugly~~ unglam moves sorry lah bread i couldn't help but to laugh hahaha.

but the laughter, it still sounded so different.

it's just like scoring 99/100 for a test only one mark away from full marks but that missing one mark still makes the whole paper imperfect.

tayziwei the stupid girl requested for something here, how gross is that. D:
haha okay don't slap me hurry recover from your self-proclaimed swine flu if not the fever will kill even more of your very limited brain cells and i'll have a harder time trying to communicate with you (ohno). don't worry about your stamina i can run/train with you after we both become okay! (: and for the time being you can kidnap me with you for a holiday at aloha resort, i'd gladly keep you company. :D we shall survive bio tomorrow, jiayou!

'eh if i don't get into the same watch as you i don't want go obs already lah.'
on a side note, this is how important dmh is to tzw, hahaha yay.

and the OT girls, don't let anything crash the confidence cause you're the best and you know it. (:

sigh this is such a contentless post, i don't like. ):

like being forever at war

2009-05-04T23:50:00.002+08:00

the only plus point today was playing basketball with the teachers in the hall before school started, i think it's been really long since team played so freely together. captainlim was elsewhere chionging homework though i bet you're jealous you missed out the fun haha. all the teachers are super cute, i like. (:

2.4 was bad it never occurred to me that my fitness's dropping at such an unexpected rate i don't like the way my brain always search for answers to explain these lousy timings because there're no reasons to them probably only excuses.
i tried to picture an image of someone something close to my heart just like how i did last year but as my strides decrease in size in speed my vision blurred it started fading away. last year last time you kept me under perfect target this year this time i failed to find my drive. i closed my eyes shook my head did all that i could to keep it safe but nothing stopped it from seeping out of my best memories. the thought scares me quite a bit, will i forget all that i had one day?

i'm tired of fighting - tired of fighting against exhaustion every single day tired of fighting to stay awake through boring hours of physics chem bio tired of fighting to make space in the planner for new meetings and events to fit tired of fighting against viruses pushing the crazy fever down for countless nights tired of fighting to keep smiles up even when certain people truly ask to be screamed at tired of fighting to survive this damn cough during the run which didn't happen to turn out good tired of fighting to tell myself to keep trying keep trying when energy levels tend to zero tired of fighting to live in denial that it's already the final lap the race's gna be over soon tired of fighting to beat disappointments and sadness at times when the world seems to be crashing down. i'm really tired, can i not fight any anymore..

but i really wanted to achieve something that will make you proud.
because, every heartbeat's still missing you.

想念是会呼吸的痛它活在我身上所有角落

it's burning, burning..

2009-04-28T11:01:00.007+08:00

小时候我总是这样牵着你的手只是盼望能够在你的身旁守候

the lightning and thunder seems scary i wonder how the sky is right now probably filled with cracks and scars and surrounded by darkness at times words don’t really mean anything only actions prove how worthy one is yet other times words hurt so much more than actions do they just come as invisible arrows heading straight for bull’s eye. morning run yesterday the target set was 20 i barely hit 10 i really wanted to run the distance i really wanted to but i'm sorry my legs gave way followed by my lungs then at last my heart. sister held my hand to sleep despite mum trying to separate us because of the crazy virus though she makes me scream at her most of the time i figured people out there're so much worse. the fever’s been going on and off for 5 days and it looks like it isn’t going to stop burning anytime soon i don’t know what’s happening i don’t want to know i just hope it won’t kill my brain i want an mc that lasts a lifetime.

i'm tired of fighting dreams.

2009-04-26T05:51:00.003+08:00

in the end, everyone has to leave.
i felt a part of me breaking there was an alarm that rang out in my head waking me up before the pain becomes unbearable and i did only to find the pillow wet with tears. why does everyone always like to pretend that you know me so well you can help me decide the paths to take the dreams to chase what’s good for me what’s not when most of the time they’re all wrong they’re nothing close to what i want yet before i even have the chance to undo the choices everything’s gone i find myself completely trapped in emptiness is that what’s deemed best fit for me.
but, every word she said was so real i had to check twice that the email didn’t exist. probably it’s the fever that’s killing my brain cells and making me hallucinate. 39.4, i thought this will mark my second visit.

宝贝握紧我的手不要放开我们一起去找那幸福的海洋

expect the unexpected

2009-04-24T22:22:00.000+08:00

the feeling’s kinda shit when you’re trying your very best to keep all the juggling balls in the air putting exhaustion and disappointments aside yet people around you whom you thought would understand are right there beside you counting the number of balls you dropped the number of attempts you failed and using them as bullets to shoot you down whenever they have chances to. then again maybe it’s my fault, i shouldn’t be falling anymore now that commitment rates run high, or at least, i’m expected not to.

track and field finals was quite fun, from being under the sun for crazy hours hanging banners on bungalows to jumping from one rooftop to another without the owners being aware, ‘the whole stadium just saw you jump over’ haha. :D if i get caught for trespassing chuan’s gna bail me out! my throat feels funny, i think i’m gna lose my voice soon.

'eh these raisins are packed!'
'huh are you sure, individually?'
i laughed at this till i almost died, classic. :D

block test results are crazy all the while i’ve always thought it’s okay studies can wait but looking at the marks on the papers which might have made history no it’s not okay. msG walked up and said work harder next time she was just trying to be nice to put things in a better way but somehow the message that got through was: your result sucks.
i don’t want to buckle under stress again, i really really don’t want to.

against the storms, unbeatable.

2009-04-21T21:17:00.014+08:00

my heart feels a lil’ sad.

but, i’ve many many things to say to many many people.

team. the closest people, yet there doesn't seem to be much to tell, because love’s no longer delivered through words it’s all in the heart. just, be strong for her, be strong for them, be strong for ourselves. it’s hard to stand when everyone else around is falling, but it’s only by smiling that we might get to keep her with us. i apologise for being so weak all these while, i'm sorry i scared many of you by dying off yesterday, now i’ve decided i am going to be who i used to be. lean on me if you need to cry, hold my hand if you find yourself falling, open your arms if you want a hug, no matter what i'm always here. you guys’ve been doing a lot for me, i am going to stand strong too. earthquakes or tsunamis - together. (:

besties. joyjoy the late night call was more than awesome it’s been quite a while since i last talked to someone over the phone for 2 hours straight and i really felt comforted having you on the line. yes i’ll keep believing you must too cause be assured you’ll always have your roomie loving you. khoon thank you for being there last night to bring me smiles with your ultimate retardedness please tell me when you’re gna crash the place beforehand so i won’t faint and die upon seeing you haha. chris your blog’s so sad these days i hope you remember what you told me the other time, the one about going knock-knock on each other’s door whenever we needed be it studying balling ranting everything anything, always here for you.

steph and joseph the both of you stop worrying about me i’m okay i’m okay. (: if i can still smile and laugh everyday in school it really means i know i still have people around me who are worthy of my smiles. don’t be crazy i won’t hurt myself, i promise.

tayziwei i’m taking the risk of you having an ego boost after you read this but still, thank you for always making me laugh like crazy with you around. eh please the malu thing that i did today, about the three best friends story, don’t go around publicizing it okay if not i’ll scream at you! fenfen my one and only jiayou for trainings alright, remember our pact we’ll do it together next year! chuan, look who’s the one stressing out herself every single day you looked so tired today please rest more please take care. (:

the ass who said my blog was so emo she cannot stand it anymore, is this post good enough to make you happyyyy. stop scolding and hitting me whenever you see me lah idiot, pain okay, later i sue you for child abuse. D: plus talking to me is definitely not a waste of time and your oh so precious saliva (i know you’re secretly honoured), eh i want piggyback!

you told me dreams are meant to come true and so i didn’t stop dreaming, thankyou for all the support you’ve given me through the quotes and the tags i hope my smile will always stay on your heart. (:

i heard about a particular L who was very sad cause i waved to another L and not to her, that’s because she smiled and said hello to me! next time when you see me you can say hello too then i’ll wave to you, haha. (: anyway thank you for the tag on my tagboard, no worries i’m strong i’m strong.
someone told me you hyperventilate very easily, please don’t when you see this okay. :/
PS. stop being crazy with your violet!

the one who was very blur (:D) to believe that i was really mad at her (okay partially my fault too sorry i hope you’re alright now!) quite a few days ago, i don’t know if you’ll be reading this but if you do, remember what i said about not stressing yourself out and taking it easy. keep going. (:

oh and everyone who’s having their competitions tomorrow (which happens to be a lot i don’t know why), jiayou jiayou all the way. (:
late sleepers (cough) please sleep earlier thank you very much.

to those who care, dmh’s gna be strong for you and you and you.

思念会让一个人变得更坚强

torn and away.

2009-04-20T23:48:00.001+08:00

so what if we cried so what if we realized our mistake it’s all too late too late the story has ended the last page of the book is torn the main character is walking straight out of the book what does it show it only comes to prove that the cast’s too lousy she’s disappointed she’s tired she really is i don’t think we even had a right to beg for her to stay she came down for us when she’s all sick her ankle’s sprained yet what we have to offer’s pathetic especially me i suck i suck probably this is what we deserve no i don’t deserve anything anything my eyes my stomach are hurting like crazy but nothing beats the pain on my heart.

to eternity.

2009-04-19T15:12:00.004+08:00

我努力仰着脸孔试着让眼泪不往下流别往下流

i don't mind being the criminal as long as you get away safely, sorry my bad.

keep my love away from tears

2009-04-18T19:49:00.002+08:00

if one day you get to choose again how would you choose?
i’d run away and hide in my very own world from this bittersweet feeling called love.

it really sucks to pretend that you’re not loving someone anymore when you know your heart's still connected to hers and shares the same beat.

很爱很爱你所以愿意不牵绊你飞向幸福的地方去

youth for causes went quite smoothly today i think and i hope we’ll make it through. everyone’s telling me to stop killing myself by taking up so many things at one go but please believe i’ve got my reasons.
especially at times when i lose myself i feel like giving up on everything, i think about the kids the patients the elderly still relying on me even though my power might be insignificant i can’t bear to leave them alone. so i force myself to be strong for them when i fall flat on my face i can’t stand up i’d still be crawling forward with my bare hands cause i want to keep the smile up on their faces.

i wna go ice-skating. i wna make myself fall again and again till it doesn’t hurt to fall anymore. probably then i’ll learn how to get back on my feet after each and every fall, i don’t know.

i think the number of hours i slept these few days added together can be counted by fingers.
i'm tired.

[/edit]
i didn’t see the storms coming i didn’t know the waves were about to hit i just ran freely on the beach cause i trusted you enough i really really did. i gave you my heart yet you tore it apart are you even aware of the blood on your hands i doubt.
why don’t you just tell me the truth? why can’t you guys stop being sarcastic with your words stop opposing every single shit that i say? you think i’m an idiot you think i’m oblivious to my surroundings but i’m not i’m not i know exactly what is going on and exactly what the feeling is. and now i’m telling you i’m tired of guessing your feelings your thoughts i don’t see reasons behind the lies you tell. a part of me wanted so much to believe that your intentions were to protect me but how to when the walls keeping the truth from my sight are falling apart..
please don’t tell me things i don’t want to know. hypocrites.

why did you lie? it hurts, dear.

and right now, my heart still tells me to search for reasons for you.

i miss

2009-04-15T17:09:00.000+08:00

power of ten stars burning bright, we'll set the world ablaze, we will.

like a bee sting

2009-04-13T22:21:00.002+08:00

did you guys even bother to wait?

J, i’m really sorry if my stubbornness worried/irritated you today, i’m very sorry for sending you the first message i sent then not replying cause i’ve got so much to tell you so much to say yet i don’t know where to start how to start. i’m sorry and i hope you understand, probably if i’ve been good, if i’ve been better, people who belong here would have been willing to stay.
all the emotions the anger the guilt the fear the sadness contained in my heart for the whole of today were suffocating i wanted to release them all out be it explosions or floods i don't know but i couldn’t cause i was truly afraid more and more would be taken away from my side.
i don’t like being dry only when i sweat it out when i feel beads of perspiration rolling down my forehead i feel my muscles contracting and relaxing i feel my ankles my knees that i feel like i’m playing my part just that it’s through a special different way.
because running gives me the courage to face the world with a smile a genuine one that i’m trying really very hard to find the courage to keep the tears inside and love like it has never hurt before the courage to continue the endless marathon of life despite falling hard countless countless times.

20.00, perfect. let’s keep it under that.

i said i’ll run to new zealand for you, i promised.

forgive my sins

2009-04-11T20:08:00.009+08:00

now i know you're not a fairytale,
and dreams are meant for sleeping;
and wishes on a star just don't come true.

cause now even i can tell,
that i confused my feelings with the truth;
because i liked the view when there was me and you.

i remember praying for a meteor shower, i really hope it comes true soon. (:

single bed.

2009-04-09T22:39:00.014+08:00

today, i can't believe i chose to turn and walk the other way.
the moment i was about to push open the door my eyes caught sight of you my hands trembled my heart skipped a beat as much as i wanted to see you i wasn’t sure if you're feeling the same way too your life’s steering bit by bit right on track i’ve a feeling in the past it was my presence that made it so hard to bear there was such a violent battle within me my heart ached at the desire to cross your path once more but i don’t know why i wanted so much to hide it was really painful turning my back against warmth and love for four months fate has been pranking on me so much i’ve learnt to just watch from afar maybe taking the back seat’s good enough.
i’m glad at least someone was with me i don’t know what i’d have done if i was alone i just kept stuffing and stuffing food into my mouth to push back the tears that were threatening to fall any second any time.

and to think, i told myself i’m going to be happy today.

shihui and i tried using the transparent vinegar for chem car and i swear it’s damn gross having vinegar plus baking soda solution splurting all over you. some went into my mouth roar i almost died and according to my very retarded circle of audience it’s because i screamed too much. - - rubbish okay! we got very bored after countless failed attempts so we decided to call it a day. :D
wanted to shoot hoops but the volleyballers were using the hall so the netballers tried to teach me how to play netball, 3 consecutive shots at least 2 meters away from the hoop yay i’m sharp! it rained we moved indoors i was super tempted to hit someone’s ass when we were doing the bowling thing haha.
court with the juniors was totally malu-ing i was supposed to play shooter but i didn’t know where to run and the balls were like flying all over the place so i just stood around and laughed at people with lingting. whoo i know her name, so smart. :D lew shi hui i didn't air my shot okay it bounced off the hoop! i wanted to save a ball that was going out of the court (actually no i think i missed the pass haha) and i thought i heard my ankle crack but it’s okay. there’s this sec2 shooter with suuuuper long legs omg but my haiyun still beats her hands down. (:
and to whom it may concern, fenfen is mine, copy-righted thank you very much! you can try calling her huihui or somthing i don't mind hahaha. :D

international friendship day is in another 2 days after weeks and weeks of planning finally it’s time for execution i’m excited. it’s quite amazing how we started off with a blank piece of document to one that is almost 10 pages long including appendices and all. people from the outside usually judge a project based on the success of the final product but not many know how nerve-wrecking the process might be, i must say i kind of enjoyed being part of the backstage crew this time.
weeleting, if you’re seeing this, we’ll make song dedication a blast next week. :D

i think now i understand what you meant by saying it has lost the feeling of home.

why not.

2009-04-07T23:01:00.003+08:00

maybe we’re just meant to be parallel lines.

today’s langarts lesson msng made the class discuss about the topic on champions for the essay we were supposed to write about, it’s becoming kind of instinctual that at times like today strands of thoughts will make their own way back to the past, racing at such high speed i can’t control – scary, but it felt nice to have people living in my mind so distinctive something that comes to me almost instantaneously whenever the topic’s revolving around that particular scope while the rest on the other hand have to rack their brains to search for examples that are deemed relevant. superficial idolizing on the outside it might seem to be but the actual impact created’s so great every action every word has been deeply engraved in hearts yet it’s still special it’s unique probably only those who had lived under the same roof would understand.
champions are those who challenge obstacles and overcome personal bests to achieve results that they themselves together with the people around them are proud of, but what if the panel of judges are unwilling to recognize the sweat and tears? i don’t know.

i gave up math lesson for it even when math’s currently shit, tell me if it’s worth the price.
it’s been quite long since i ran under the rain went crazy with friends did things that i really like to do. the rest of the week’s gna be madness mornings recesses lunches after schools almost all taken up maybe you should understand i’m not wonderwoman i can’t split myself into two and appear at two places at one go okay shut up shut up get a life, dmh.

shiyu says she thinks fenfen and i can communicate without talking, it’s something called eye language, super cool hahaha. people like limruiqi should seriously stop stereotyping the scholars cause some of them are really very nice. (:

nycb. jiayou.
nynb. jiayou jiayou.
nybb. jiayou jiayou jiayou jiayou!
xds are having their first match for cdiv tomorrow, nanyang nanyang all the way!

i remember having a lot to talk about but all of a sudden i can't remember much my typing speed's decreasing my head's spinning my vision's blurring maybe it's time for bed..

tired of being who i’m supposed to be.

2009-04-05T09:58:00.004+08:00

when we say forever what does it mean?

one and only thought i had in mind was to run away but deep inside i ask myself where can i run to in this world so big yet there doesn’t seem to be a place for me alone i miss my home back there i miss my jumping frog games i miss my tree house i wonder if i can still fit inside if i can still relive those memories. best friend says i should stop thinking about the ‘used-to-be’s stop wanting to travel back in time cause it’s never going to happen and it’s won’t help in any way except for to make life even more miserable than it is. i don’t know, i don’t want to sink into isolation the feeling’s horrid but every emotion’s so stuck in me be it tears or smiles i feel like exploding at anyone or anything that’s coming my way.

don’t make me call you a liar, don’t make me say things i never mean to say.

no need for promises

2009-04-01T21:34:00.005+08:00

fill up my rainbow with the colours you like. (:

driving along a dark alley with countless red lights glaring into your eyes, would you be afraid?
i would.

been sleeping in class too much during lectures over weekends 'you look so tired and drained everyday' a librarian thought i was guilty of stealing a book probably one day the sleeves will be ripped off isn't that what i badly wanted not too long ago maybe i don't know.
favourite pictures are spoilt with ugly stains left by people who were never meant to be around and never had the right to be a part. i keep telling myself to stop stop stop comparing among the artworks they don't work this way learn to appreciate it's a whole new picture but i can't control i can't the previous one was just too perfect to be put aside. lts, there's nothing to look forward to anymore.

i had mine you have yours there's a difference i'm glad you're happy with the way things are working out now, keep going and i promise i'll be watching the day you soar. (:

i like the feeling when pooh keeps me safe in dreams. at times when i find myself lost in a faraway land he seems to be the only key that opens the rusty door back to the real world; at least something that i can rely on, something that i know will bring me home.
like a thousand-megapixel camera zooming in to every detail, memories replay at night so vividly, so real..

on a lighter note, ms van dijk attempted to trick us into believing that there was a change in date for IH block test today, but 302's too smart to fall for it haha. and esther still thinks i'm demure, yay yujie i win i win. :D

goodnight.

crashing waves.

2009-03-30T21:36:00.006+08:00

hold on tight, let our dreams take flight.

saw a line somewhere that touched me quite a lot, thankyou for making my day. (:
i took it off your personal message i hope you don't mind, be honoured haha, don't emo okay!

tayziwei the stupid girl stupidly left her wallet and phone lying around and a stupid thief took her phone yet left her wallet that's more worthy alone. and this stupid girl is feeling very sad now cause inside her stupid phone there're a lot of things that she really treasures (like dmh's messages) and it's not as simple as just getting a new phone. i've got nothing to comment about the stupidity in her but what i wna say is, cheer up my stupid girl, the memories will always be with you for as long as you want it to be. (:
ps/you should be feeling very guilty cause now my post looks so stupid because of you, tsk. D:

全世界都停了电全世界白雪满天
才发觉在我心间有回忆碎片一作梦翻身就刺痛流血
我卷着身体缩成一个圈像一个句点

i'll be the truth in your world, in this world of lies.

gone with the wind.

2009-03-25T21:20:00.002+08:00

断线的风筝，有如没有实现的承诺，在心海中飘荡，没有着落。

four corners

2009-03-23T00:25:00.004+08:00

7 days ended so fast, so fast, things i’ve never done, places i’ve never been to. under the sun along the beach i walked and walked the sand was scorching but the breeze and the waves that hit the coast put the burning fire out along the streets i ran and ran trying to find a place where i truly belonged but with each passing car a piece of my memory was taken away, the sweetest ones.
it’s like, getting lost in a forest for so long one day when you finally found your way you doubt it's the correct route out you realize you’re lost all over again cause you’ve grown so used to the feeling of lost you don’t know how the world outside look anymore.
rain, sweat, tears; how can you tell them apart?
cathing up with chris koon joyjoy might be one of the very few things that managed to bring a smile to my face it’s nice to find people whom you know share the same childhood memories as you and they’re missing those times as much as you do.
when i’m up and awake i stare at my hands they’re so empty they’re all alone yet in my dreams i feel a cold shivering hand struggling to hold onto mine so firmly, pumping in all the power and strength left inside to show me the way. I don’t know how to describe the feeling that filled my heart, for once i didn’t want to fight back i closed my eyes and just let the tears drop.

believe, love.

sing to dawn

2009-03-20T04:55:00.004+08:00

伤害了一个最爱我的人

the same promise, the same love.
i've had my time, maybe it's time you had yours too.

my hands're stained with blood no matter how i wash and scrub my fingers the smell won't come off.
i'm sorry, i'm sorry sorry sorry sorry.
sorry.
if only saying sorry helps, if only it had magical powers. if only.

每一次在现实中苏醒她坚信只是一次短暂的旅行；而在每一个快乐的梦境她却声称是一场美丽的人生
the lies are building up to form a wall right in the middle of my path it's blocking my vision i have to climb over it to get to the other (better) side of the world keep going keep going at the very most i fall back to the bottom break a limb get some scratches and bruises then i start all over again.
climbing, falling. climb higher, fall harder..

eastcoast, i hoped to swim away with the sea. changi, i wished to fly away with the aeroplanes.

泪水流过才明白

640 posts, i think i'll stop here. (:
goodbye.

2009-03-09T20:46:00.001+08:00

对不起，请你不要走。

cut right through.

2009-03-06T20:28:00.003+08:00

like a knife slicing through, there's blood and tears everywhere.

ouch.

all in the hands of fate.

2009-03-05T21:58:00.003+08:00

torturous,

我睁开眼睛却感觉不到天亮
东西吃一半莫名其妙哭一场
我忍住不想时间变得更漫长
也与你有关否则又开始胡思乱想

我日月无光忙得不知所以然
找朋友交谈其实全帮不上忙
以为会习惯有你在才是习惯
你曾住在我心上现在空了一个地方

原来爱情这么伤比想象中还难
泪水总是不听话幸福躲起来不声不响
太多道理太牵强道理全是一样
说的时候很简单爱上后却阵脚大乱

it's always that few minutes, i feel like crying at how life's making fun of every move i make; i miss you.

when darkness sink in.

2009-03-04T22:06:00.000+08:00

benjamin button at plaza sing with team today!
3 x 8 x 5 of huabu for training, odd numbers still suck. a lot of things happened, but i shall pick the nicer ones to talk about. mm movie was normal, i've decided to not go for loooong movies to stop maluing myself by falling asleep. :/ BUT okay, company was good, food was good. :D

'well, goodbye.'
it's really very upseting to see the characters in the movie coming and leaving just like that, so much that the people around them seem to have gotten used to this routine they don't feel much about farewells anymore. probably the choice of leaving was hard to make to start of with probably it took a lot of courage to even carry out the decision probably the intentions were good but what about the rest left behind..?
they wake up from their sweetest dreams realising that the one who had put them to bed just the night before is gone for good because and only because it was deemed to be the right thing to do. so their loved ones left them fending for themselves they have to figure out a way to pick up their broken pieces of heart strewn all over the floor and paste them back together so it'll start beating again.

and y'know, some parts never fit.

i'm tired.

smileys.

2009-03-02T21:41:00.010+08:00

've been staring at the page for 15 minutes, not knowing what to type. :/

today's first obs-week training was kinda.. good. satisfactory. i'm quite proud of my three-pointers (grace don't talk). :D i thought i'd have died on court while doing the defence drill or something, afterall with my current situation, why not. :/ ohwell, probably not time yet. (:
bathing time's stupid hahaha. :D everyone was screaming at each other (namely jolieng and limruiqi) on the way to the scienceblock toilets, 'diu ren xian yan', super amusing. :D oh and some of us recycled our pe shirts after training today! D: they were unglamly left hanging in front of the fans to blow dry, i bet xds got a shock when they went into the hall, so gross. - -" i realised my swollen left eye's really hurting quite a lot, haiyun thinks i got beaten up. ): mm, laoshi says she's gna cook for us tomorrow before the match, so sweet. (:
chuan cai la mian + two spoons of chilli + ma po dou fu + xian cai + mango tea + watermelon, so zabalang, cool lah. :D at the end of the meal i thought my stomach felt weird, either too much or too hot. :/ sleep at sac was still the best, i like the big big cushions. :D something in me actually wanted so much to skip afternoon training so that i'll get to continue lying among the pillows, such a bad thought, ohno. D:

semi-finals against unity tomorrow, 130 at clementi sports hall. go nanyang. :D

ah okay, i think it's time to sleep. night everybody. (:

face the challenge.

2009-03-01T18:05:00.009+08:00

because i was only, truly, happy for you.

i really don't know how to put my feelings across to you. it's just, i don't know, i don't know..
life's biggest irony: the more you want and wish for things to go your way, the higher the chances of fate deciding to turn its back against you. i worked hard, prayed hard, did all i could just in hope to make dreams come true but you achieved all i've yearned for without having to lift a finger. no, not your fault, i've only got my own stupidity to blame. so naive, hahaha. laugh at life before it laughs at you.

my eyes are swollen i don't know why, blood-shot like i've just woken up from a hangover. D: sister said they are developing into a weird shape, ohno. :/

anyway, here's from chrisH's blog. i am really tempted to try them out some day.

mountain trekking:

biking:

recreational activities in Las Vegas:

tennis match at Dubai:

cool, isn't it. (:

i feel like eating a mcspicy meal, or asian delight auntie's prawn noodles with two crazy spoons of chilli, together with ice-blended ribena plus mini pearls; then for dessert, maybe ben&jerry's cookie dough icecream, or swensen's banana split, and marigold mango yoghurt. :D

probably these'll be enough to get things off my mind.

i tried, i tried.
but it's time for you to realise the world isn't just revolving around you, girl.

trapped in limelight.

2009-02-28T20:23:00.009+08:00

double rainbows, one for you and one for me. (: (:

it's been raining a lot, but the rainbow that appears in the sky after every downpour's always beautiful beyond words. the recent one made me smile when my insides felt like crumbling. just the right time, sweet. (:

school's tiring. lessons are spent either stoning away or falling asleep at my seat only with the exception of mskang's math lessons, msvdijk's ih lessons and mrchia's pe lessons. roar i realised that's a mere 7 hours every week, super sad. D: the only thing i can remember out of this week's curriculum is physics spa, seriously the pendulum has a hypnotising effect on me. D: i almost banged my head against the chair when i stood up from the floor after counting 10 groups of 20 periods, scary. :/

anyway, firedrill on friday! vanessa cheered so loudly when the siren went off during chinese lessons even wulaoshi laughed hahaha cute. :D oh and my whole hand got covered with black paint as we were walking to boarding school! D: eh i'm not stupid lorh, like rah how am i supposed to know that they repainted the pole and it's still wet. - - ooiliwen and tayziwei keep laughing at me, damn it so malu. ):

a narrative - orientation, conflict, climax, resolution.
hahaha, '大结局'. :D

i admit i was a lil' upset, a lil' disappointed when she addressed us with that term, because everyone's just so used to a team of 10 it seemed like her absence's not even significant to many for the past weeks. so what if it was only for 2 years so what if there were conflicts and inabilities to accept, at least to me she is someone important, a part of me. now 10 shining stars are left with 9, such an.. ugly number.
grace and i thought about what kind of stuff we could do with 9 players for training while we waited for our buses to come. conclusion: 3on3. only.

meishan fenfen sherlynong!
tsk don't be lameeeeeeee. - - hahaha, good luck for obs okay! at times when it gets really tough, you can think about dmh who is stuck in school having basketball trainings everyday and you'll make it through. :D peiting can be the consultant when it comes to tents haha, michelle & shihui please take care of wounds! beware of riechong the pincher lol, plus amanda the poker. ah okay i feel like a granny, all in all, have fun. (:

liwen ruiqi haiyun jolie are going for trials tomorrow, jiayou. :D

it's quite sad, how people always look at Superwoman in amazement as she sets off to achieve the impossibles, yet no one ever seems to stop and wonder about how much Superwoman has to go through. Superwoman gets tired, too.

there's a thought in my head that's sending off the trigger to do something rash.
okay probably it's just the excessive sleeping. 8pm last night, i can't believe it, wth. - - mm, i think you should stop fuming over the fact that i trained, afterall fever and cramps are things you can get use to over a period of time. it's the disappointments you brought that never did.

and on a side note, i did a nice thing today. that is, to wake a nanyang girl up before the bus passed the stop. (:

心里的雨倾盆而下

shape my life.

2009-02-19T21:49:00.007+08:00

i just stepped into the house not too long ago how cool is that for the past few nights time have been spent outside anywhere but back here such late curfews would never have been allowed if it was in the past everyone said how they would be around anytime needed but out of all the messages i sent the calls i made none replied so what's the point i'm sorry if this sounds like it's directed to anyone in particular it's not it's just me every night i pray and pray only with one thought on my mind and that is for you to keep him safe i'm willing to sacrifice anything in exchange anything you want just take and go growing up's so hard i think it's turning me into this monster that i really don't want to be like how i'm losing the ability to talk and communicate every single day i try so hard so hard just to get words out of my mouth just to phrase them in a nicer way so that i don't end up saying the wrong things what in the world's becoming of me holding onto my hand's so hard i'm such a bad kid i know it's so damn tiring for you to be lifting my sky all these while maybe you should just let it collapse the pain can't be too much greater than now it suddenly dawned on me that i'm becoming a burden to everyone who loves and cares people get upset when my intentions were never meant to be this way i can't control emotions anymore i don't even know why i'm crying the tears just fall some were bitter some salty the clock's about to strike 10 the sky's growing so dark yet the house's still empty tell me how not to let my mind run wild tell me how not to let loneliness invade my heart this place's living hell i'd rather be out there in the darkness roaming about at least counting footsteps will keep me occupied for a while but right now i can only stare at the screen typing away because i have to wait for the call the only signal of hope stop forcing me to the corner of a wall i feel trapped stop tightening your grip around my neck i can't breathe stop tugging at the string attached to my soul it hurts it hurts never have i felt so afraid before save me from drowning in the sea of tears before i choose to jump in myself

没有如果

2009-02-17T23:00:00.002+08:00

有人说世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死
而是我就站在你面前你却不知道我爱你
我常说如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天
如果我说爱我没有如果错过就管你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口那是不是有一点弱
如果我说爱我没有如果真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么快牵起我的手

i think liangjingru's new album sounds quite nice, mm. (:

dancing in the moonlight.

2009-02-15T19:40:00.001+08:00

'what the hell pig lah you actually slept for 18 hours, siao arh you.'
sure i did, bet you're jealous. (:

today she felt happy, because today she visited fairyland, where princes lived where magic worked where wishes upon a star do come true. no tears no heartbreaks nothing of that sort, sadness and despair lifted from her heart the very second she opened her eyes at the sight of her angel taking her hand.
the smell of disinfectants so strong the sound of crying so loud the feel of needles so cold, it's the fear for that bed again. having to depend on machines and tranquillizers to keep the heart beating, pull off the mask and all will come to an end.
so simple, so weak..

i really liked the feeling, please take me away for another time tonight.

would you come and make me stay?

be my valentine.

2009-02-14T22:46:00.002+08:00

happy valentine's day. :D

valentine's day felt quite boring without school but overall it was alright lah, time mainly spent with team. had training in the morning and rushed like madness for yingxinghui (some people didn't bathe! D:) cause we had only 10 minutes to get ready cool right. i actually saw scripts again piang made me so stressed lorh. D: i swear one of the juniors behaves/looks exactly like sarah, ra i found your twin!

the sec ones this year make up quite a big group the number's on par with team when we were in sec one, looking at the juniors reminded me of how the 10 of us used to be like 2 years ago - smiles so innocently sweet, ones that i'd never forget. i can't recall what i said during self-introductory but there were so many memories playing through my heart at that time i didn't know how and where to start.

多少次泪在眼眶，我用微笑抵挡。
you came and left without a sound we were just an arm's length apart yet i could only turn and walk the other way, i can't feel your heartbeat anymore what does it say.

if only today was my last day on earth. i'd run up to you no matter where no matter when and say the words that have been lying silently deep down ever since the day our eyes first met, unbothered by how the others would think and feel.

joeyquek glendayeo i want my gifts on monday i don't careeeeeeeeee.
a mad woman laughed at this so hard for more than 10minutes till she had tears in her eyes and her mouth started having spasms, kua zhang lorh! - -

'eh where's my pen! oh i found it, it's in my shoe.'
'yao da jia ah. -ptanface-'

to those who made my day special by filling it up with goodies flowers chocolates sweets smiles hugs notes messages or just a simple 'i love you', thankyou you're loved too.
teammates dds xds classmates ex-classmates ncpians seniors juniors friends. :D
(damn i really don't like the word 'ex-'. D:)
special credits go to: liwen's card and grace's cookies, yay loved 'em. the card said 'someone who loves me very much stayed up late to design this valentine card for the very special me' and the cookies tasted like famous amos's, suuuuper sweet. (: oh and i got a cute lil' rose too. (:

what if i say yes?

其实爱对了人情人节每天都过
everybody smileeee, cause today's valentine's day. (:

been there, done it.

2009-02-13T23:57:00.000+08:00

i bet you didn't know how much courage it took just for me to take that step out.

you being one year older doesn't give you the right to comment this way.
basic logic like having to respect others before she'd be willing to mirror the respect, how do you expect others to look up to you when you're not even sincere about your own actions your own words. maybe you're seen by many as being always brilliant always great but i find myself doubting your words every single time you make a promise, how undeserving.

the trail of footprints that i've left behind's fading away with the wind the sea. last year valentine's i was still wearing my hongzi still on the third level still seen as a child, 365 days came and went now we're all back at the same spot yet we've changed, we've all changed. for 10 seconds i stared blankly at the page unsure of what to feel, just to make sure what i've seen is more than real.

i know i promised not to let another tear drop till the end of this week. but how not to, i'm sorry.
the most cruel thing you can ever do to a heartbrokened person is to tell her you love her and walk off the very next minute.

'joanne are you tired? you've been racing through my mind for the whole day already.'
from someone whom i've least expected, thankyou haiyun. (:

all set.

2009-02-11T23:02:00.001+08:00

it's kinda amazing how powerful the human will is.
because i told myself to keep running keep running lest i'd never be given a chance to start all over again anymore and for that moment the pain was stalled with my eyes set on the basket never have i felt so focused before. i don't know how my body eventually reacted to the constant appeals sent out by my mind probably it didn't make much of a difference probably it was still as bad as it has always been but at least on the inside i was trying, trying very very hard to fight a battle that i've never won before.

i like the way how the word 'sacrifice' is always linked to 'love'. it's only when love's present that sacrifices will be made unconditionally and at the end of the day it feels like it's all's worth it irregardless of how dire the consequences turn out to be. both verbal and physical warnings have been made known but it's okay cause i'm more than willing to make a sacrifice for you.

but now there's a problem, how am i supposed to walk in court shoes tomorrow. rah so screwed.

forever spelt the wrong way;

2009-02-09T22:48:00.006+08:00

the wind wouldn't stop for anyone,

because the car drove past i saw you waiting right there before my eyes someone i want to hold onto so badly but there was nothing i could do to stop your figure from fading away. the distance grew bit by bit i locked my eyes on you tried to imprint the image on my heart till you disappeared from my sight i closed my eyes bit my lips refusing to let the tears fall. just one day, i felt my insides tearing bleeding crying so much even the smiles won't work anymore.
my phone's back my wallet's found my ankle's healed but so what so what. what's lost is lost what's gone is gone there's no way one'd be able to find it back.

maybe one day when it gets long enough my hands'll learn how to let go.

rescue my soul.

2009-02-08T21:52:00.005+08:00

i couldn't tell if it was coming from my ankle my stomach my head or my heart,
all was just so painful it made me scream.

overdose

2009-02-07T20:40:00.002+08:00

speical interest lecture this week by operation smile was quite good, i remember my vision blurring a lil' when they screened one of the videos on the child born with the cleft, so sad. halfway through i peeked at fenfen's reaction and she looked so super serious hahaha. oh oh which reminds me, i think one of my childhood aspiration's to become a doctor, cool right! maybe it's not a bad idea afterall. (:

a spoilt phone a lost wallet a sprained ankle.
the best few things that happened to me over the past three days. D:
i don't know it feels like, someone something eating up my soul draining the energy in me bit by bit until everything ends up in a horrid mess that i won't be able to handle anymore. scoring baskets completing assignments talking nonsense (just to laugh and keep awake) crafting proposals probably are the things that make up my life, no excitement no drive they're all so empty.

你撑著雨伞借我那次已经足够我记得一辈子
我懂后来你不是不坚持爱情本来就没万无一失
泪水离开了你的手指那不如让它流在这信纸
我想女孩子最贴心的是让爱的人选结束的方式
我最幸福的事当过你的天使
趁鼻酸能掩饰让我们像当时拥抱最后一次
最幸福的事吹蜡烛时你总为我许愿的手势
为挚爱的人在左边心口保留位置　是最幸福的事
可惜爱不是童话故事不能够永远依赖著王子
才慢慢认识只剩两个字我怎麼忍心为难你解释
那一阵子有你美的不像现实多高兴每一幕都微笑著静止
我最幸福的事牵著你的日子
一段爱从开始直至分开我们都对彼此诚实
最幸福的事对那片海用力大喊永远的样子
想得起的事那天和你傻笑著认识是最幸福的事
this is such a sad sad song. ):

3 hours of sleep on average per day almost killed.
i dreamt of something sad last night, that's when i realised hearts can cry in dreams, too.

我最幸福的事　当过你的天使

):

2009-02-04T13:12:00.002+08:00

谁都有不能说的伤痕

K.O.

2009-02-01T16:17:00.004+08:00

with the truth presented right in front of my eyes, i figured i have my significance no more, doesn't make much of a difference anyway. probably time for me to let go since you're all up there in the sky already. (:

i don't know how i'm supposed to make you learn.
and how would she know if nobody tells her, no one enjoys being the bad guy breaking the bad news sorry i don't like doing it too. but it's important, it's important, i really don't wna see the vicious cycle happening all over again especially when so much time so much effort has been thrown in just to fill up the holes once more.
when sometimes the right things appear to be bad, i'm unsure of which path to take. help?

i wasn't even given a chance to explain, why. just because you're afraid i'd prove you wrong?

'eh you okay anot!'
'yah of course i'm okay, strong. :D'

幼稚 - -

i am determined to sleep.

2009-02-01T03:08:00.000+08:00

it's.. ):

roar but shuo le dou mei you yong.

slap me awake.

2009-01-30T21:49:00.003+08:00

i feel the bones moving whenever i try to walk properly, quite scary.

fly with the wind, swim with the sea.

2009-01-25T22:07:00.012+08:00

it's been so long since you last smiled at me.

you're the force driving her home.
i remember feeling very touched by this sentence when i first heard of it, but now we all know it's not like that any anymore. sorry i shouldn't have asked for the run the ride sorry i made you so angry so upset sorry i'm pulling everyone down sorry i'm not worth the love. ni yao kai xin, yi ding yao.

You offed your phone because you are afraid of facing the people who may sms you and you want to escape. Your smiles are so damn fake do you realise? Where has all your courage went to.
bingo friend, you've got it right.
probably being a coward unwilling to draw the sword to fend off fears going into hiding not wanting to become another disappointment i only hope my actions my words won't hurt anyone again i don't want to look at the messages received i don't want to know their contents there's no point no point. the smiles are fake i know if you want me to stop blogging i can just tell me and i will. no matter who you are, thankyou friend.

maybe i should go swimming.

the baby's so sweet she keeps smiling at me when i hold her close.
if only i was still a lil' kid too. i'd lie in your arms hold onto your finger listen to your heartbeat and do anything i can just to bring you smiles. if only.

5 months down the road will be a better day (hopefully). (:

把爱收进胸前左边口袋

gravity.

2009-01-24T15:53:00.003+08:00

you told her to trust you and she did.

walked from coro to lil' india station today! i think i'm damn good.
because i could only look away to escape from your eyes, it made my heart sink deeper down.
dad says i've been torturing my phone ever since the day i got it (- -) hence on chinese new year eve eve dmh feels nice to send mrphone away on holiday for a while. please do not disturb by messaging or calling unless you want to be daoed (though i'm aware that certain people despite knowing that i won't reply will still want to contact me cause they'd miss me. admit it S, you can't help it, don't be shy. :D), for urgent matters mrhousephone will still be around. cooperation will be very much appreciated thankyou very much. :D

going to reb's house for dinner later. i hope we'll get to go to punggol park, i wna sit on the swings and watch the sky..
smile only what, i also know.

xiao jia, xin nian kuai le. :D

tilt your head up.

2009-01-23T13:03:00.007+08:00

a jacket with a spoilt zip doesn't keep the warmth in anymore.

it's quite sad to be alone on celebrations day when everyone else's swarming back to their primary schools.
joyjoy has band after school stupid chris's got french lessons Anderson doesn’t have any halfday so i'm left with nobody to go back to nanchiau with. ): i remember how we used to complain about the guards who never seemed to be willing to let us into the school how cheap but good the food sold in the canteen tasted like how nanchiau students always manage to flood compass point. rah, time is all it takes.

've been doing latecoming duty at the audi foyer these few days and it's quite bad cause it gives me a lot of time to think about a lot of stuff. there's totally almost nobody seen around everyone will be gathered in the quadrangle singing the anthem and listening to the announcements, so quiet so lonely. D:

on a lighter note, performance in the hall was super fun today. :D had wenwen peiting peisi shihui sherlyn rie pauline hiutung julia surrounding me, laughed a lot hahaha, i like. meishan and michelle were sitting somewhere at the back and i was looking for fenfen but she disappeared, awh. D: huichun was wandering-around-time with bread cause i didn't bring the maobi and couldn’t find my red paper.
bainian to laoshi after school, i like bread’s cereal cookies a lot think i ate more than 5 in total hahaha. grace's one was damn good too, i was telling chuanling that it's a blessing to have teammates who can bake nice food yay. :D wanted to go for mrtan's farewell but lixian said it was over already so sat in the hall for a lil' while before going off. i can't believe my heart actually cringed at your smile.

this post sounds so weird, mm probably Indian dance will make me feel happier.

ah i know, shall go run later. (:

才发现笑着哭最痛

2009-01-20T21:35:00.011+08:00

sorry i didn’t have the courage to count.

i think rolling down the staircase feels like sitting on a roller coaster, you just have to close your eyes and feel the bumps. if only the flight was longer steeper at least the pain didn't come in only until it was all over, at least for the whole falling period it didn’t hurt that much. strings of thoughts that were entangling my mind went for my legs somehow i don’t know how it was done and the next thing i knew, i was falling, falling..

i wish i hadn’t gotten my phone last night probably i shouldn’t have asked for it cause then i wouldn’t have seen things that i dread to see wouldn't have so much to wait for. only a response, a reponse.
everything’s in a mess even the wires in my phone such that it’s sending blank messages to anyone anytime how scary so disturbing.

i feel like drinking honey water, all of a sudden.

' 等待并不可怕可怕的是不知何时才会是尽头'

比你想象中更勇敢

2009-01-19T21:20:00.006+08:00

it's cold today.
can we share the umbrella, please? like how we've always used to.

eye contact.

2009-01-18T18:29:00.008+08:00

What is your True Fear?
Your Result: Losing Someone.
You love affection and the people in your life more than anything. Your greatest fear is that one day someone you care about won't be there anymore. You are a very friendly and inviting person, who draws in a lot of friendships with your kind, considerate, and loyal nature. However, deep down you are slightly insecure and unsure of yourself. You couldn't deal with it if you didn't have one of your loved ones in your life anymore. You don't have too much to worry though, because with a friend like you, no one will want to lose you either!

sure, and i'd have thought you cared.
mm, at least you know what you're waiting for.

i waaaaaaaaaaaaant my phoneeeeeeeeeeeeee. ):

a challenge.

2009-01-17T17:21:00.002+08:00

laoshi said something during debrief today: 有梦想就要有付出

i'm yours - jason mraz

2009-01-16T22:30:00.002+08:00

like a stain on my hand, my heart.

'i tried to be chill but you're so hot that i melted..'
hahahaha someone sang me this line today, sweeeet. thankyou love. :D

302 class bonding games during pccg today, quite fun lah hahaha but the balloon was suuuuper slowww. lessons are boring breaks are depressing maybe the only plus point is talking to people like sherlyn shihui fenfen ruicong who always make me laugh like crazyyy. :D

walked to boonkeng mrt alone from J's house some time ago i knew i'd lose my way even before i started but yet it still felt so tempting i don't know why i wanted so much to try. and when i realised i'm lost i didn't know where i was going i just kept walking and walking to anywhere everywhere my legs wanted to take me to. a lil' bit of fear, probably.

i've searched high and low in and out for an answer to the glaring sight but i guess i don't need it anymore it doesn't matter already. stop calling me stupid i'm not i'm not, i know exactly what's happening but i choose to believe because they're the things that make me happy whether or not they're true is another question altogether. so no please don't be cruel don't destroy the fence i've tried so hard building up even if it means i'm being a coward hiding in my very own world.
yes honey treasure the times you spent together with her the messages the two of you exchange, hold onto every single memory coming your way cause you never know which is gna be the last. it's amazing, the amount of happiness she's bringing into your life, and i definitely feel happy for you. jiayou. (:

today's been a really really cold day, no rain but the wind totally went mad. jackets hoodies sweaters at home are suddenly all gone like poof and i really can't seem to remember where i left them. oh and i remember breaking a lightstick hoping it'd make me feel better. of all times, it just had to be now.
jacket jacket, please come back.

'walao eh, your hands are cold enough to freeze water into icecubes already lah.'

'nevermind what, fun what.'

'huh but like that how u play basketball?'

'this is so depessing, we're so damn screwed.' 'yah, i agree.'

'can you don't be . so that i'll be able to see you around more?'

sorry sweetheart, i don't get to choose.

a lil' bit more.

2009-01-13T20:07:00.006+08:00

快向快乐出发

i've decided that i don't like flu. ):
and 2 consecutive hours of screaming plus shouting today totally didn't help.

these few days've been rather draining and i feel very bad towards the teachers cause they seem like they're trying very hard to make their lessons more interesting yet i'm always at my seat stoning away. D: oh and anyway i made a new friend called fenfen. :D she calls me mengmeng. :D fenfen and mengmeng are good friends yay. :D hahaha went for nyaa after school, it feels good to know that i'm walking through your memories somehow. i don't know why but the feeling's really special, i like. (:

it's quite weird, how i always get upset over things that don't even seem to be important to you.

u-turn.

2009-01-10T16:19:00.005+08:00

just came back home from plaza sing after lunch with glendaaaa. :D
roar super fat super fat cause we kept eating and eating non-stop all the time, there were noodles and tokoyaki and icekachang and sprite and hotfudge sundae. hahaha so much about going on a save-money eat-less lose-weight campaign. ): walked around with honey peeped into shops observed people and bought nice stuff! until there was a hole burnt in each of our pockets that we decided to go homeee lol.

but no matter what, i love WaNtons! :D

oh and i covered the distance between the lrt station and my house with my eyes closed, cool lah. :D was quite scared when walking through the carpark cause i keep thinking that i hear cars in front of me and people who've seen me might just think that i went mad. D:
team was talking about the weird dreams they had the previous night. haha i think the feeling's quite nice, to be dreaming about people who're always around you. it'll feel like living in a fairytale, i waaaaaant. D: how come mine always come as either nightmares or nonsense, roar.

it's really quite hard to figure how mean i can get sometimes, even to the people who're always treating me with their most sincere side i don't know what's wrong with me. technically i should be already feeling very grateful that i am considered part of the family but why why, why am i still so mindful about the details why do i have to keep pushing my luck when i know i don't have a say.
i'm sorry breaaad, really really sorry. ):

reasons to be happy.
1. i've got a set of jersey. (which doesn't seem to belong to me)
2. teammates are still aroundddd.
3. 10pm 10pm!
4. going for dinner at long beach later hahaha. yay east coast park. :D
5. nyaa will be done with 203mates.

and on a side note, sorethroat's killing me. ):

你最近还好吗是不是也在思念里挣扎

it's all that matters.

2009-01-09T19:17:00.003+08:00

khoon, happy birthday! :D
my alltime bestie, you're officially fifteeeeeen! omg so old so old, but one year older already must become smarter okay, don't be so stupid (though you've always been) haha. :D jiayou for bdiv this year, we shall both aim for nationals so i'll get to see you and you'll get to see me! isn't that wonderful. :D mm i know how it feels like to have to carry all the responsibility on your shoulders sometimes but there's still a difference between pushing yourself and harming yourself, yah? safety first safety first! anything you can always message me and i'd be more than willing to draggggg you to the sinseh no matter how reluctant you are.
last by not least, i love you khoon! always, always. (:

okaaaay i shall make this a dedication post!

people who are currently very much missed:
stephanie, xujingying, josephine, marilyn, tayziwei.
joliewoman, glendahoney, bread, wanghaiyun, graceeee, laoquek, captainlim, wenwen, bug.
i wanted to use 'team' but i decided against it cause each and everyone of you's special to me. (:

and, i miss. twinkle twinkle lil' star.

define, happiness.

2009-01-09T18:19:00.006+08:00

super number one.

it's funny, how people always talk to you in the nicest way with such a wide smile flashed across their faces when they need you to help them with certain stuff but the next minute they're finished with using you they turn nasty. hahahahaha i don't know whether to laugh or cry.

insensitivity. because everyone's moving on but you're still stuck there at the exact same spot where you've always been i tried to pull you along with me but you refused to move so tell me, tell me what i can do for you when you're not even willing to give a try. you keep saying you're tired you're drained but did you ever happen to realise that i'm caught in the same plight as you if not worse but i'm trying so hard, so hard, doing everything to the best of my abilities because and only because i hope you'd be happy i hope everyone else'd be happy. maybe someday we can exchange roles maybe then you'll be able to understand how it feels like to be forcing up a smile on your face every single minute maybe then you'll know how much it hurts to be doing something you really don't want to. i'm not blaming you or anything, it's just probably my best's not making much of a difference to you but i swear it's my all, it really is.

sometimes it feels as if i'm digging my own grave and jumping right in but even though i'm truly aware of the danger the pain it's gna cause and as much as i don't feel like going on, i have to live up to the expectations set for me to walk the route that's been long planned. i don't have a choice, i have to, i really have to.
i'm sorry.

like a puppet, guide me towards whichever direction you want me to go help me make the decisions that're deemed to be right and i won't utter a single word of displeasure because you know what, i've got no strength in me to fight anymore. no more dreams no more wishes, it's time for me to discover what reality truly is.

i'm happy for you that you've got her, mine's left and won't come back.

i've always thought time'd be able to make me loosen my grip but no, no.
i still find myself grabbing onto you so tightly i've never thought of letting go. does it hurt?

but you promised, you promised.

probably, it's just meant to be.

HEROINE.

2009-01-08T21:19:00.002+08:00

like, an exile.

are you really sure you want the game played this way? i could.

laoshi went to draw lots halfway through training yesterday and ahhh bdiv groupings are out, we have newtown dunearn clementitown jurongwest jurong! D: mm, 5 matches to zonals top four before going on to nationals. go nanyang basketball. :D anyway, we had a mini farewell for zhanglaoshi cause he's officially not teacher ic anymore i think we'll all miss his ultimate pleasance (cough) hahaha.
caught Australia with teammates at plaza sing today it was so suuuuuuuuuuper long definitely worth the $6.50 LOL. but okay lah the movie was good i think the lil' boy's quite cute quite cute. :D i swear i'm not gna eat popcorn in the next month plus glenda and i observed something damn cool when we got very bored in the theatre: people look better with messy hair sometimes HAHA.

mm had first formal lesson for IH today, ms van dijk's funny mrJ's cute, yay they make the perfect pair. :D but i think the topics are really totally horribly dry no matter what the teachers do to try to make lessons more interesting it doesn't work. - - almost fainted reading only FOUR pages of notes, die already.

probably it'll take such a long time i might just fade away by then, i don't know.
peace out.

steering off the tracks

2009-01-07T21:24:00.002+08:00

there's training today but i left my shoes at home. how stupid.

and i smiled a lot today.

just smile.

2009-01-06T21:51:00.000+08:00

've been waking up a looooot at night and then in the morning there's barely enough energy in me to last through the day's lessons, damn irritating. D: school ends at 2.35pm every tuesday and friday, rah somehow they just have to make things hard for us and squeeze all the core subjects into these two days. 3 sciences plus languages, brain explode already. ):
but joykhor's currently sitting beside me together with rie(!) at the back of the class so it's quite okay, three sianned faces the minute you walk into the classroom hahaha. oh and mskang said she'll make 3 people yawn in 10 minutes so i became the first, as usual. :D

cca selections yesterday, missed la pe chinese! omg i think the hall's gna suffer from over-population this year, but there're quite a few good ones whom laoshi reaaaally liked so yah. oh and we concluded that the generations are getting shorter and shorter as the years go, hahaha. - -
sec1 telematch was quite fun today with the water bombs and all, flour being thrown all over the place reminded me of . sigh.

this post's so boring my brain's dead, i shall sleeeeeeep soon (but it's only 10!). D:

小狗问妈妈，幸福在那里？
妈妈说：幸福就在你的尾巴上。
小狗拼命的想咬住尾巴，可是怎么也咬不到，就哭着说：我抓不住幸福。
妈妈告诉小狗：只要你一直往前走，幸福就会一直跟着你。

like super glue.

2009-01-04T16:31:00.013+08:00

爱你的那一个，伤你的那一个。

celebrated honey's birthday with team after training yesterday! :D

everyone met at angmohkio mrt station and we (okay maybe only me cause i was super sleepy haha) highed our way to glenda's ahma house, i realised the world's full of BIG FAT BULLIES. D: anyway! buffet was heavenly i ate like 10 sticks of fruits so in the end childish jolie and matured joanne started the poking war HAHA. :D sat on the swings sang songs hanged around laughed at the lamest things, liwen's phobia of The Tommy glenda's drunk uncle grace's 1 syllable to 3 syllables singqing's biao haiyun's spasms ruiqi's retarded face jolie's satay sticks. fun. :D

yujie and joey couldn't make it for the party, but it's okay, we still love you! (:

i really feel thankful that i'm blessed with such awesome teammates how they stick with me even when it feels like the end of the world how they always manage to make me laugh even when i feel like crying. soon enough, the new batch of juniors will be coming in, we'll officially be known as 'sec3 dds'. like last year, like last last year, there's a total of 4 teams but somehow the amount of love present's changed so much. seasons starts in merely 9 days from now, trainings feel . with the increasing load and the inevitable kind of responsibility that everyone has to shoulder - different amounts, of course, everything's different nothing's the same.

first day of school, it felt more like a reunion day caught up with so many many people. or at least, those whom i really missed really wanted to see over the days. but it's when how everything that happened in 2008 is being recounted by everyone in past tense that the sense of nostalgia became so overwhelming so powerful. because no matter how beautiful the memories are no matter how hard i try to put a stop to time no matter how no matter how we still have to keep walking and walking heading towards a destination that nobody's even sure of.
things've been going so fast, too fast to my liking i'm tired i don't feel like moving on anymore. for days and nights i've been asking myself who placed such a deadly lock on my heart causing the reluctance to accept anything coming my way, but only recently i realised i was the one who had the keys all the time. i don't know i really don't know what's stopping me from using the keys maybe secretly deep down i'm just afraid by unlocking the door for new beginnings to come in i'll lose all that i've stored in the room for the past few years that'd be so painful. what if, what if?

i've been trying so hard just to get out of the quicksand but now i find myself sinking back in again, why. maybe, you've been flying beside me all the while now that you're not around anymore i forgot how to fly.
40647709681. really really do.

带我走就算我的爱你的自由都将成为泡沫我不怕带我走

2009, go away. ):

2009-01-01T20:26:00.003+08:00

i can't get over 2008, can't get over sec 2 life.
no more twothree no more xujingying josephine on my right no more projects with mary ziwei no more constant nagging from steph no more third floor no more feeling hopeful when i walk along corridors no more lifeskills camp no more whacko no more 5 subjects no more sleeveless no more waving to haiyun glenda no more sitting on the ledge in the hall.

so many changes. teach me how to adapt, how to let go.

with-love.

2008-12-31T23:35:00.004+08:00

2008, a bittersweet year.
through sweat and tears, i grow and learn.

and thankyou lovely, for making the best part of my memories. (:

to the rhythm.

2008-12-30T10:22:00.003+08:00

是你带我找到另一个天堂远比想象中更美
我们怀抱里的这一个天堂每一个梦想有无限的快乐
相信你是我的另一个天堂给的爱多么纯粹
因为你而存在这一个天堂爱是直达的路线
Lovely. (: i've had my share, there're no reasons for me to ask for more.

throw me into prison.

2008-12-30T01:50:00.000+08:00

我是一个罪人，对不起。

for once, i'd have preferred the hospital.

2008-12-29T20:48:00.000+08:00

15minutes. 4hours. 5minutes. 10minutes. 1hour. 1minute. 1.5hours. 10minutes.
i thought i was dying, it really felt this way. like, a monster trampling over my heart, crazy, it was mad, i wanted to chase it away, i tried to i tried to, but it was strong, so super duper strong, it made my head hurt my eyes burn my back ache my stomach churn, i forgot how to breathe, i really forgot how to, then bit by bit, i couldn't feel my heart anymore, i couldn't talk, i didn't know how to talk, tears went crazy i couldn't control, i couldn't stop, i tried, i really really tried. sorry i'm so weak, but all i could think of was to run away, run away from this nightmare, from this heartbreak.

you're not the only one who's upset. i'm sorry, i'm sorry.

7 hours of sleep in 5 days, it's a miracle i'm still alive. sadly?

emptiness strangles.

2008-12-26T22:13:00.003+08:00

the left side of my chest feels so empty.
it's only about 2 more hours before the clock chimes 12,

season of love?

2008-12-24T23:05:00.004+08:00

silent tears.

Great Gang Gathering was loveee. (:
met at ang moh kio hub for lunch and movie, wanted to catch YesMan but due to unforseen circumstances (cough!) we watched BedtimeStories instead hahaha. :D a scene in the movie sent me burst out laughing non-stop for 10plus minutes even until we walked out of the cinema i was still caught in hysterics but the rest said it wasn't funny awh. laughing trains abs, reaaaaally i almost died of laughter today.
then we decided that communication's a must for outings so we sat at the fountain and started talking about almost everything under the sun. life school cca basketball people injuries friends, all the use-to-bes all the oh-so-lovelys. it's quite cool, how everyone has matured and grown how lives change because of different decisions made. bused back with chris and dinner was good. (:

i hope you'll understand that choosing not to discuss certain things doesn't mean that they aren't important that i've forgotten about them; and it works the same way as choosing not to display certain feelings doesn't mean that they aren't existent that it doesn't hurt the same. because all that you've been seeing's the smile and the laughter, ever wondered what happens at night? you don't care, or rather, you choose not to care, isn't it.

on a happier note, christmas is here. :D
dear santa, i shall be reaaaaally good this year and not wish for any presents but you can just make me happy by keeping all those who're in my heart right now safe and sound. it'd help a lot if you can deliver some sweet dreams to those who're in bed or going to bed so they'll sleep with a smile on their faces tonight. yes that will do, thank you very much. :D
dmh says MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODAYYE! (:

last christmas i gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away.

like a knife;

2008-12-22T22:29:00.007+08:00

i wish i were superwoman with supernatural powers to turn back time to change decisions made to be stronger braver to brainwash everybody to lock you with iron chains to the place where all the shit was thrown at us where tears and sweat flowed like crazy where promises were made most importantly where we belong. yes i prepared myself for this i saw it coming yet it still hurt so badly it still hurt. how many times i wanted to convince myself it isn't for real, just count how many times. c'mon martin luthur king wherever you are inspire me please now now it's urgent there's no time to waste.
ohmytian dmh has gone all mad don't talk to me everybody keep quiet shhhhhhh.

anything, anything, anything i'll give just to have you back.

if you insist.

2008-12-19T09:42:00.001+08:00

omg rah okay you win, here's for you!

Who was your last text from?
jolie! it reads 'okay, then meet at lavender at 525 at the control station kay!' and woman i'm sorry for daoing the message hahaha.

Where was your default pic taken?
default pic? if it refers to the photo on my blog then it's under the singapore flyer.

Your relationship status?
single? but in love. (:

Have you ever lost a close friend?
lost? literally or figuratively. well it works both ways i guess.

What is your current mood?
tired, afraid.

What's your brother's name?
nope, don't have one. i remember wishing very badly for an elder brother when i was young but gradually i heard brothers are damn irritating so i changed my mind lol.

What's your favorite color(s)?
purpleeeeeeeeeee! and it's not international gay colour. ):

Where do you wish you were right now?
if i were to say a beach in california, would you fly me there? haha okay no let's be practical, mm i wna be at tiong bahru hawker centre eating ice kachang at the dessert house! your treat ah. :D

Have a crazy side?
if you consider running along sentosa beach screaming at the top of your voice splashing water at one another dragging the smallest weakest one in the group into the sea despite the constant stares from the rest of the people at the beach crazy, then yes. (:

Ever had a near death experience?
several. and sometimes just sometimes i hope they weren't just near-death.

Something you do a lot?
i would have considred puking but no, going out i guess. (:

Angry at anyone?
yah, i hated myself so badly just a few days ago i almost went crazy. you can ask team!

What's stopping you from going for the person you like?
'going for the person you like' sounds so wrong. D:

When was the last time you cried?
rah, almost did.

Is there anyone you would do anything for?
if you still want me to.

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
how different will things be if i wasn't who i am.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
mum. she just called to ask if i wanted to go for christmas party after match later, which is mad. cause i'll be sweaty (hopefully) all over and polluting the whole place.

What are your favorite songs?
jaychou's and JJ's ones are quite good. :D

What are you doing right now?
texting, msning, and doing this, cool right. :D

Who do you trust right now?
it depends on how many out there trust me to begin with.

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
beijing! it's called duan bei shan or something. - -

Have you kissed someone in the past week?
let alone past week, i haven't kissed anyone for 14 and a half years. :X

What is your lucky number?
well, it used to be 6. register number plus jersey number.

Who are your friends that are closest to you?
teammates, classmates, and definitely more to come. (:

Describe your life in one word?
heartwrenching.

Have you ever kissed in the rain?
ew, it's not even romantic, so gross! D:

Who are you thinking of right now?
everyone in nanyang basketball. i miss team, rahrah. ):

What should you be doing right now?
the plan was to decide on next year's council committee but i'm too tired to think because there's still match later so yah. i wna sleeeeeeeep roar.

If you could wish for something over a birthday cake right now what would it be?
a meteor. and do anything i can to make you feel better.

What are you listening to right now?
属于梁静茹

Who was the last person who gave you a hug?
i can't remember. but it's been long since i got one. now? please?

Who was the last person who yelled at you?
hahaha, team's always yelling and screaming at each other so it doesn't really matter. (:

Do you act differently around the person you like?
they keep saying i act guai, but no i don't! D:

What is your natural hair color?
black.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
wednesday after match in jolie's car, grace keep laughing at me tsk. c'mon lahh, my english's okay! D:

jiayou.

2008-12-11T11:07:00.004+08:00

i don't feel like blogging anymore.
maybe one day when fate calls upon me once again i'll come back. for now, goodbye. (:

curtain call.

compare and contrast.

2008-12-08T13:26:00.009+08:00

if telling a lie makes everybody happy, why not?

6 reasons to be happy :D
1) my phone doesn't die in 6 hours anymore, the battery's working again yay.
2) it didn't rain in east coast park yesterday so we managed to play for 3plus hours.
3) mass exercise: ran, skated, and cycled for an hour each, cool lah.
4) ah one out of four smses finally got through outer space wheeeeeee.
5) i managed to count till two thousand sheep before i fell asleep last night!
6) today today today. ^^

4 reasons to be sad D:
1) muscles ache like crazy from trying to do somersaults on the monkey bars.
2) certain things that i don't wna know forcefully invaded my ears.
3) i feel burnt and tired. and drained and upset because of you.
4) sometimes mouths'll tell lies, but eyes won't. your eyes said everything.

okay, ratio 6 to 4 so :D wins. ^^

if being smart polite humble caring disciplined cheerful capable hardworking are the only things you see in her, if you think she makes a better choice than me in any way or maybe even the most ideal, you can have her really i don't mind. afterall in your eyes i've always been second to her since a thousand and one years ago, i admit i'm nothing as compared to her. as long as you're happy, i'm okay. (:

it's raining it's pouring, the old man is snoring.
ahh the weather's super cold. it's one in the afternoon yet i'm freezing like an icecube already. D:

hug hug?

two lil' kiddos who was sleeping in the room all the while just(!) woke up hahahaha. :D

today's sunday!

2008-12-07T11:04:00.003+08:00

okay short update before i go runnn. :D had training yesterday morning and the match against scgs alumni in the afternoon was cancelled due to bad weather, or in other words, the rain yay! amazingly we got 4th placing even after losing 3 out of 4 matches for the whole tournament lol rah no medal but we got a big trophy so it's okay. ^^ was laughing at certain people especially the one who left his shoes at home with ruiqi and dd super funny super gay hahaha. the intermission was crazy with laoshi, sccoach and auntie squeezing into queues and coming out with mountains of food plus bunches of otahs. cute lah. :D

it's been raining a lot these few days the sky's always dark not that i mind but it feels so weird not having any sun in singapore. christina ho! remember how we always jump into puddles when walking from main gate to c gate and getting our shoes all wet, fun i like. ^^ but no no not today cause it's pasir ris park day with reb so no rain no puddles! rain rain go away, come again another day.

ah omg i feel so high today, die already. - -

today today today. :D

behind the scene.

2008-12-05T22:14:00.007+08:00

it's probably time you grow up dear.

the backstabbing and all, they hurt my ears whenever you talk about it. really, not that i'm gna spil everything out and get both parties upset, but it'll be such a heartbreak for her if she ever finds out what you've been saying all these while, no? maybe i'm in no position to comment afterall the whole thing's only about you and her, but i just thought it was for real. or at least, i thought you were real.

ah it's so weird, and i'm so bored. D:

I have a cell phone.
I have friends that use me. mm i hope not, afterall you don't call people who use you 'friends'.
I am an only child. and i'm grateful for not being one. (:
I love dangly earrings.
I love cold weather. not exactly, but i like the rain. :D
I'm obsessed with the computer.
I have shot a gun before. water gun!
I can't live without music. can, but long rides are gna be boring. D:
I have no tolerance of ignorant people. woah, people like xujingying. - -
I have ridden on a motorcycle before. cool. :D
I'll be in this town forever. hard to say, with you drawing out my future for me.
I've been to 5 other countries. four: china, indonesia, thailand, malaysia.
I get annoyed easily.
I have neat handwriting. when i write properly? :X
I have more than a few horrible memories. how many's a few.
I am addicted to chocolate. ew, super fattening. D: i'm on shou shen da ji hua!
I love airplane rides. i like watching planes take off more. :D
I love taking pictures. nope, because they're memories being captured. i'd rather store them in my heart.
I hate people who are fakes. count how many are true. you'll probably end up hating the whole world.
I can be mean when I want to. don't try, i bite.
My parents care about my grades.
One of my best friends is a girl. this sounds stupid. - -
I have way too many wallets. my current one's falling into pieces! ):
I'm obsessed with lip gloss.
I am easy to talk to. i hope?
I would never eat raw fish. salmon's gross. D:
I cry easily. jolie ng, i don't!
I hate it when people are late. awh, i don't hate myself haha.
I procrastinate. seldom.
I love winter. it's boring really, you don't do anything during winter lest you turn into an ice cube.
I have too many clothes for my closet / dresser. go look at quek's closet and you decide.
I love to sleep. nah sleeping's quite scary.
I wish I were smarter.
I'm afraid of flying. i'd give anything just to flyyy. :D

(ah omg how many more. - -)

I hate drama.
I bite my nails.
I have been on an 8 hour drive. guess not? i'd have puked badly if i really did.
I never fight with my parents. i walk off.
I love the beach. yay it's the best. :D
I have never had chicken pox.
I have gone out in public in my pajamas. malu daoooo. :X
I can't control my emotions. can okayyy!
I have a best friend. i have many best friends. :D
I have moved more than once.
I truly love my friends.
I have braces.
I have never broken a bone. i crushed my finger bone roar now it's bent. ):
I hate my computer.
I love girls that play the drums. joyjoy! but they're quite cool lah haha.
I state the obvious.
I love to dance.
I love to sing.
I love cleaning my room. would anyone like doing this. D:
I tend to get jealous very easily. depends on who, what, how?
I love cute underwear. piang. - -
I love night better than day. because i'll always be half-asleep in the day lol.
I don't like to study for tests. it's alright after you get used to it i guess.
I have been on the phone for over 5 hours. until battery went flat. (:
I am too forgiving.
I have a horrible sense of direction. throw me into a forest and you won't see me ever again. D:
I miss elementary school. primary school? yes, definitely.
My eye color changes. cats do!
I should see a therapist. for..?
I become stressed easily.
I hate liars. you won't when you realise almost everyone lies.
I love the smell of rain.
I hate needles.
I am a perfectionist.
I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
I hate the feeling of failure. too many times to hate anymore.
I have friends in other countries. china yay. :D
I can be quite selfish. again, it depends on who what how.
At times, I still act like a little kid. child-like!
I have food allergies. uh, powdered milk?
I love to read. okay bah, nice books kill time. (:
I wish I were more motivated for school.
I love getting stuff in the mail.
I have problems with letting go of old feelings. mm.
I hate being alone. sometimes being left alone's not a bad thing.
I love summer. omg no damn hot. D:
I love the weekends. pretty much the same as the weekdays bah.
I love black eyeliner.
I think I'm a looker. ?
I type with one hand.
I live in a one storey house. i wouldn't want to go up and down the staircase everyday haha.
I wear make-up. gross. D:
I can't swim. universal fact. - -
I have bad memories.
I sing in the shower.
I hate cheerleaders.
I usually get what I want. it always goes the opposite way somehow.
I have been on stage before.
I love roller coasters! i miss genting! ):
No one knows my full story of my life. O: even i don't i think.
I am close to my parents.
I don't have a curfew. that's the best thing. :D

a stupid mosquito has been following me around for the whole day already (too sweet haha :D), damn irritating roar. anyway, there's this new strawberry-flavoured honey stars that i ate the other day, i like i like. :D it's quite cool to be eating honey stars straight from the big packet while watching a movie, satisfaction lol. mm, i wna drink yoghurt! preferably mango one. ^^

oh and jasquek! can you come online or something, it's so hard to contact you. D:

okay, da jia wan an.

wash it down the drain.

2008-12-04T09:16:00.012+08:00

orangejuice's sour honeywater's sweet medicine's bitter tomyam's hot sweat's salty.

i accidentally drank orange juice without knowing what it was, bug specially made honey water for me, the medicine thing tasted horrible, we had tomyam soup for lunch at boarding school and sweated like rah rah for yesterday's training (the shayis are getting super gross). there, all five tastes in a week.

Singtel doesn't want to deliver my message roar, i think it probably lost its way somewhere along the 6thousand plus kilometers through outer space. i hope the love reached though. (:
connect all the wires accurately to the battery and create a proper closed circuit. what happens if too much current has been passing through such that one of the wires snaps?

basketball's the word. says:
can one lah, come on jiayou! ni shi dmh aka my idol neh, pa shen me.
basketball's the word. says:
(omg i feel so against my conscience to say that HAHA. :X)
fine whaaaaaaaaatever. hahaha okay lah i know you love me a lot secretly, don't zi qi qi ren thankyou. :D

saturday, i'm gna lock my heart at home.

i'm sorry i feel like hiding away.
because the anger didn't matter, the disappointment did.

rebecca zhang!
are you coming over this sunday? or you can come on friday then we'll go to pasir ris park yay. :D

hospitals, go away.

think, like it's the last time you would.

2008-12-04T00:43:00.007+08:00

two words: damn cool.

because somehow i don't feel like grabbing chances that i think i don't deserve, it doesn't seem right even if i'm supposed to i hope you understand. because sometimes you'll have to prove yourself worthy before you ask for more, trying to achieve things beyond your capabilities will only bring about more disappointments to yourself to the people who believe(d) in you, no? the priority seat's reserved only for people in need only for people who stand out from the others, not everyone can have that place.

星星是你看我的眼睛。
there was a veryvery bright star in the sky as the match was played, thankyou for watching over me even on the darkest nights, i'm sorry i must have been disappointing you must have been tired. so for now please close your eyes take a break skip the sad episodes i'll be fine. and when you wake up again you'll see me smiling at you, promise.

思念的味道，很凉很凉；思念的感觉，很长很长。

making a difference.

2008-12-02T08:58:00.014+08:00

you're touching lives.
this line made me smile and ready to give my all. (: (:

67 broke down halfway down the road to school, major traffic jam. rah it's quite scary, with the bus jerking to a stop and the engine dying out all of a sudden. for a moment i thought the terrorists decided to attack singapore and the bus was their first target, really. - - mass killing humanity wiped out, the 10 who invaded indonesia(?) were actually planning to destroy thousands, madness.

training was alright (except for the lil' accidents that happened to juniors), hit both gyms and roar i still can't do weights especially the jumpjump one! afterall we only had 10 people training with 3 from dds' team 3 from xds' team and 4 from our team, how sad. D:

meet-the-people session at choa chu kang area roar i almost died of lethargy while trying to get home after the thing ended at 1030. the session itself was good though, it's amazing to find out so much more about the people living around you possibly even right next door, the poor the unemployed the desperate. whether it's based on housing, education or medical difficulties, different people step into the room with different attitudes, different people approach problems with different measures. some were overwhelmed with sadness when they told their stories some had their faces creased with worry, some even exploding with anger because they felt they weren't given expected help, ridiculous yet understandable.
was quite affected by this divorcee who came forward with a kid to ask for help with a rental flat. she was so desperate so helpless it sounded as though she'll jump off the building if she was pushed any further. but even in this situation her chances of getting the flat through the minister's really very mild because there're still so many people out there especially the elderly who're deemed to be more in need of help. as much as i badly wanted to do something for her, only a reassuring smile was appropraite when tears almost started pouring down her cheeks.

heartwrenching, definitely.
yet when life pushes you right to the tip of a cliff, it's your choice whether to jump or to hold on. both ways'll hurt no doubt, but there's no way you're gna defy destiny.

steph made honey water for me, i drank a lil' before training started. sweet, thankyou dear. (:
yujie said she wanted to but she didn't have any honey at home so rah. D: haha it's okay bug, i love you all the same.

i realised i was awake for 22 out of 24 hours yesterday, and i bathed 4 times. cool lah. :D
(and i think this face: ^^ is quite cute.)

when the stars shine,

for the love.

2008-11-30T10:18:00.006+08:00

class chalet at goldkist beach resort beside east coast park! :D

last-minute match against naval base sec at geylang serai cc on friday afternoon, lost 38 to 30 roar. i think jellybean played very well as our one and only centre (even though she was overseas for close to a week), jiayou. :D went for class chalet after match be proud of me i found my way hahaha. almost everyone was there already so we started the barbecue by lighting up the fire, omg it took forever with ziwei's 'wah i'm a genius' and shiyan's 'don't lame lah'. cute. (:

the food was good, otahs satays buffalowings pineapplerice stingrays sausages crabsticks mushrooms corns marshmallows. :D the corn was wrapped in aluminium foil and thrown into the fire to burn for an hour or so lol, apparently nobody remembered they were in there. - -

had training the next morning, went for lunch with team and maychewdd then off to east coast again. :D didn't feel like rollerblading so i was prepared to run along with the rest but ended up running backwards all the time to help those who got stuck (huihan, i'm cool yah. :D). skated a while in mary's shoes with jingying then we ran back to the chalet. stoned a bit, ate gummies, played o2jam, watched class montage, home sweet home.

thankyou sally, shiyan, pauline, and 203 for making this wonderful. (:
steph missed the whole thing rah rah. D: stupid girl, are you still stuck in thailand! - -

xjy, if you ever come, here's for you:

for all the times you woke me up when i fell asleep in class, the times you stared blankly at the math symbols on the whiteboard and turned to ask for help, the times you scribbled notes and drawings onto my papers, the times you shouted duanmenghao from a hundred metres away, the times you held my hand and hugged me tight when i'm low, the times you took 5 seconds to recognize me at the busstop, the times you stole my food and popped them into your mouth, xie xie ni xu jing ying, yong yuan ai ni. <3

you haven't lost your smile at all, it's right there under your nose, you just forgot it was there.
-winnie the pooh. (:

communicate.

2008-11-30T00:43:00.008+08:00

i don't wna be different any anymore.

tell me it isn't worth it, tell me to let it go like a helium balloon.

if only apologies can mend all hearts heal all wounds solve all problems, there wouldn't be so many people in the world jumping off rooftops swallowing sleeping pills or cutting their wrists, i don't know. i'm sorry if i over-reacted last night, maybe i'm not supposed to feel sad to feel angry if that's the way you want it to be then let it be. but please leave me alone for now my heart'll heal on its own soon enough, you don't have to worry (if you are).

probably. find a route back into the forest the painful past search through heartbreaks wander into nightmares once again until true selfs are discovered until smiles are picked up along the way. please do believe that fairytales end off with 'happily ever after's because only then new chapters in the bedtime storybook can be told. it's hard, but we'll make it through.

like in the theatres when watching a movie, you don't have to be sitting right at the front row to enjoy the show to capture the details, maybe at times the back row'll give a better view of the screen you never know. like how i chose punggol over jurong, like how i chose nan chiau over rosyth, like i how i chose night over day, like how i chose rain over sun, almost even like how i chose you over me.

east coast park's so filled with memories: team for outing, clique for gathering, 203 for chalet, 6a for cip, family for picnic. different people, yet all so important all so close to the heart. it's almost instinctual to have images of you formed right before my eyes everytime i walk along the beach everytime i hop onto double bikes everytime i take late night buses back home. it's only been a day and i'm already fading away, will saying 'i miss you' a thousand times two thousand times in my head my heart bring a lil' bit of comfort? i hope so.

close your eyes spread your arms, listen to the sea the wind feel the sand under your feet, then reach up and you'll touch the sky.

together?

shouldn't have stayed, probably.

2008-11-29T01:45:00.003+08:00

因为你曾狠狠把我遗弃在街头；

asfsdkfasjdflasfksfasdflksfrelkaraejgefagaaagragwaagvgraglkvagiewqwqituytweqiruwefakhvmvzmghoit
rah i'm so irritated so pissed so upset i feel so crazy i can punch you straight in the face slam the laptop against your head and fling you out of the window. so now it all becomes my fault it's my fault that you're sick my fault that the mirror's shattered into pieces my fault that everyone's screaming at everyone. really i was so stunned at the accusation i didn't know how to hide my disappointment now look who's the one who left who without a damn tinge of hesitation that fateful day.

'you used to be so happy everyday used to be talking non-stop used to be brightening up lives.'
thankyou for raking up those memories though i think there really wasn't a need for you to because i know. and i know i changed because you left, because you used to be someone so important yet you didn't want me anymore. be glad non of my attacks came today probably i'd have just collapsed and died if they did which will make you a murderer because i hope you realised everything you said or did crushed me like wtf.

yah i'm supposed to smile, supposed to. glue scissors tape, mask done.

似曾相识的背影，面对的却只是一张再熟悉不过的陌生人。

raindrops, teardrops.

2008-11-28T08:13:00.005+08:00

pufferfish.

i was hugging pooh so tightly to sleep last night now it's all crumpled and wet, gross. sigh how come pooh's always happy always smiling always so free from sadness, i could almost feel him returning the embrace patting my head telling me it's okay. because sometimes in life you don't get to choose, it was never fair to begin with. so what if you know everything so what if you understand, maybe just maybe at times ignorance's a bliss, i don't know.

becky's blog:
loving someone's like closing your eyes, spreading your hands, falling from a cliff while believing that an angel will catch you and give you wings.

ear block, nose block. i want to drink honey water.

my voice's all gone from yesterday's pre-camp cheering session, now i squeak now a mouse whenever i try to talk roar. headache sore throat fever flu whatever, it's okay they're all my best friends. how am i going for training tomorrow, not now please not now. ben&jerry's at plaza sing brought back quite a lot of memories, the take-offs at the airport were as calm as they've always been.
i think i should start on math soon, i don't know where i left my completed set so i'd have to redo the 50 questions rah. school's reopening in a month somehow sec 3 sounds so old. class chalet for the next three days, east coast park seawater barbecue doublebikes sunrise. i don't think i'll be able to find my way there, the place's so ulu! D:

when i get to see a meteor one day, i think i'll know what to wish for. shh, wishes made upon a star won't come true if you say them out, so keep them safe away from all the tears and frowns. meteor showers, wikipedia says they appear only about once every 30 years which means 3 chances to be standing under one at the very most.

because i took him for you.
at the end of the day, your smile'll make me fine.

6223km.

waiting never hurt so much.

2008-11-27T06:49:00.003+08:00

maybe, she's the one?

'eh dmh, yours dying already leh, you still stand here.'
i know, i know. i saw the fall, i felt my insides tearing with the fall, but there was nothing i could do 'cept to whisper jiayou to pray for safety to watch from afar. how much i wanted to hold out my hand but i couldn't why i don't know. your love's different from mine honey, silly as it might seem to be but yes you can go all out you won't understand. trust me, it hurt double it killed my all. i'm sorry if this sounds like it's put up against you but there really is only one point i'm trying to get through: you don't have to be special to love, do you?

stomach's dead already what's next, eyes probably, and soon after you'll see my whole head exploding. it feels like my life's a balloon filled with helium threatening to fly away anytime i loosen my grip or burst everytime i add pressure to it. the pain's alskdjfalshal it hurts like crazyyyy but i guess once you get use to the pain your body reacts less violently gets less irritated you'll feel better. rah i don't want porridge for the rest of my life. c'mon baby, just a lil' more.

i'm sorry if i'm behaving badly, i really don't know how to put my feelings across.

at all ends

2008-11-25T21:26:00.003+08:00

set your target aim for bull's eye fire the riffle one two three bang. headshot ouch. because you walked past me without even realising my presence how sad is that when you are (were) one of the few who used to live in my heart not too long ago. people change yes maybe but why so drastic why so inexclipable, why to the extend of cutting off all lines. shoes clothes bags mirrors, all set. if that's the way you want to live your life, if that's how you can put the sweat and tears down then all the best go for it. as much as i want you to stay, the baton's now in your hands and you've got to decide whether or not to run the final lap. feign indifference, that's only the simplest escapade.

ohno special's sad. D:
here's my promise made tonight, you can count on me for life.
cause that's when i love you, when nothing you do could change my mind.

accelerate. kaboom.

rahh.

2008-11-25T09:23:00.003+08:00

ladsjfa;hg;lahsdfsadjhfaskjdfakshfdfl;falskdfjhaskjdfalkg

results of banging your hands on the keyboard. D:

focus focus focus

2008-11-24T23:05:00.003+08:00

but you changed too, didn't you?

training plus match in school today, laoshi invited a referee to talk about the new rules that's gna be implemented next year. quite okay not many changes made, but i think many people will like the backcourt rule. :D all the basketball courts are gna look so ugly from 2010 onwards, omg rectangular three-sec zones plus 6.75m three-point lines! D: die already, no need play already. - - match against scgs at gelangseraicc, then mrted all the way from toa payoh back home. roar i swear i almost died, stomach and head, smsing was the only way i could keep myself standing upright.

'from 2008 to 2009..'
hahaha this sent singqing liwen and me burst out laughing. :D

你空出一双手穿过黑夜握住我
两个人的手心里有一整片宽阔的天空
谁都没有开口星星也忘了闪烁
有你陪着我就可以走到天涯的尽头

xie xie ni dui wo de hao. (:

live on, press on.

2008-11-22T21:38:00.001+08:00

要你相信我的爱，只肯为你勇敢。